Sunday, March 27, 2011

An Actual Love Letter From Rick Moranis to Linda Hamilton
















 Dear My tense little buttresse,

Oh how the last couple weeks have been, the amazement, the sheer joy and pleasure of experiencing your unfathomable, beautiful qualities.  When you held me between your comforting boobies, I could hear the only heart I would ever need to.  The fingerbanging was outstanding.  The moment I touched your coochie its like the universe was in the perfect harmony as your beautiful lathe voice would scream.   I will never think of amateur when I think of you.  Lying in bed together, you whispering to me “I never want to this to end,” nor I baby, nor I.  You put care into your strokes.  I picture your hairy bush quivering with the sweat glands making it and me moist.  Your eyes make me gush the love juice.  I want to take a scrub brush and wash every inch of you.  Two in the shooter, one in the pooper, you taught me that lover, and I want you to teach me more so I bought you that kama sutra book.  I think we should add a whistle to our intense hump marathons.  The days grow too long without you in them. 


Love,

The honey on your body
Xoxoxo

P.S. I want to sex you up. 

Everything will be okay from now on...


The only comfort I have in my life is knowing I will never be the weakest or dumbest human being on Earth…

Sunday, March 20, 2011

My Dream Job




If I could choose any major life I think I would work in the aspect of numbers that deals with breaking large quantities of numbers and turn them into days.  For example one could say that the earth is 4.6 billion years old and humans have only been around for the last 1 millions years, then my profession would come in, and I would say that the earth is 46 days old and humans have only been around for the last 36 seconds or something to that degree, then I get the power, then I get the women.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Would You Rather: Masturbation


Scenario - Would you rather have the ability to masturbate for the rest of your life only to A) girls you already had sex with/fondled or B) with girls that you haven’t done anything with, meaning it would be fantasy with girls you have met with a handshake or ones in pictures.  Maybe it is something with your mind that when ever you break the kleenex out there is a trigger where you forget either everyone you've ever met or seen , or you forget everyone you've ever fooled around with. 

A couple of stipulations - after this decision, if you do have sex with someone they go into column A even if you didn't know them before hand.  Porn does count.  I thought there was another stipulation but I can't remember it now.

I thought this was an easy answer.  It should be obvious to go with B) fantasy is obviously the most important, but then I thought part of the reason to have sex is to file it away for later.  Eh, I'll go with B since it's just about an infinitely larger pool of people.  You never know. 


Thursday, March 3, 2011

Bowling with Fred Savage



I was bowling with Fred Savage one time, well actually I went with him but we chose to bowl on different lanes.  Anyway I looked all over the place and I couldn’t find a single decent ball, there were shitty triangle bowling balls for kitsch I guess but too many for my taste.  All of them didn’t have my finger sizes, it was pretty frustrating.  Then I realized I was in a really shitty alley, and Fred Savage had taken the best bowling ball.  So I decided to finally bowl in his lane, we had some money going on this one too, not much like 20 dollars maybe, a pin that is.  We were considered the best bowlers around at the time.  So we start bowling, and we suck, I think our final scores were like 32, and 36, that might have been in the 9th frame though, I think I had the higher one too.  I kept putting Fred Savage down for being in the Wonder Years, I had to though.  I also kept yelling WIZARD everytime he would did his backswing.  But its ok this bachelorette party ended up coming to the bowling alley and we both had crazy sex with the ladies in the bachelorette party.