Jango Fett Has The Best Life Ever

I’d have to say that Jango Fett has the best life of any persons to have ever existed in the galaxy/universe/heaven.  A). He is bounty hunter.  He gets to go from planet to planet hunting assholes down in a shitastic spaceship and he gets paid for doing it.  B) He has the most up to date firepower, and a jet pack/rocket launcher.  C) He has a son that he gets to raise on his own without some nagging bitch always criticizing him.  D) He also has an entire army that is created after his own likeness.  E)  He has jet pack!!! F) The only downfall was getting decapitated by Samuel L. Jackson but I’d say that’s just another credit to a great life. 

The Big Wood Witch

Once upon a time there was a man who wanted a giant penis.  One day an old witch granted this wish, on one condition, he would have to return every year to give her wild/crazy sex.  He refused at first, but gradually got into it when he knew he was guaranteed to have sex at least once a year, and before hand he could get really drunk. 

Welcome to Fat Club

The first rule of Fat club no one talks about fat club, the second rule of Fat Club, NO ONE TALKS ABOUT FAT CLUB.  3^rd rule When someone throws up or goes limp the eating is over.  4^th rule, Only two guys eat at a time.  5^th rule, One meal at a time.  6^th rule, No shirt no shoes, no service. 7^th rule, Eating  goes on as long as is  has to.  The 8^th and final rule, If this your first night at Fat Club you must eat 10lbs.  My goal is to gain as much weight as possible.

Sporks Up Your Ass

Having a Spork shoved up your ass. Is it the same as having a fork, or the same as having a spoon? It’s a toss up.  If someone witnessed someone getting a foot suck in their ass, would they call a proctolgist , or the pediatrist?  I would call a proctologist who banged a pediatrist, because technically his knowledge of the ass, and he would have experience in something really big getting stuck in an ass if you know what I mean.

Aliens Are Making Groin Punches Funny

I think I’ve been kicked at least 13 times there in my lifetime.  How many times have you been kicked in the groin?  Probably at least 6, everyone does it and it is always funny.  But that is ruining our culture.  I heard the medical community thinks that only a few blunt traumas to the scrotum have a good chance of making the person sterile.  Think of all the genes that die off every single day isn’t that crazy.  We are highly unlikely to pass our genes anymore and we are getting sperm from sperm banks, uh hello Alien DNA. 

Don't You Wish Life Was Like A Movie

You could sleep with Demi Moore for a million dollars.  Velociraptors would kill the most popular quarterback, James Vanderbeek.  Will Hunting would save the world with John Nash by developing super stuff.  We could go on impossible missions with Jon Voight, finding treasures in Northern California so we don’t have to sell our house so that it can become a golf resort.  We could play alongside a chimp, a dog, and a mule on a football team while we cheer on the guy who is 5ft nothing but has a lot of spirit on to his way of becoming a real loser.  You would also get the one you wanted to fall in love with, maybe. 

Kissing Chimps

Why do Chimpanzees kiss?  Love is universal my friend, and so is hate because they also kill each other.

Would You Rather: Have fun the rest of your life or a shapeshifter?

 Situation is this you have a run in with a shapeshifter.  I don't know, you think of the circumstance, maybe the only way out for her is if you to say she is your wife.  Like she is being chased by the government.  Anyway your option is to either A)Marry a shapeshifting woman or B)Be able to drink and do drugs and stay out passed midnight.  So you marry her, but then under some code of conduct amongst shapeshifter families is that you can't sin at all basically or she loses her powers and turns into a beast of some kind.  You have to be MR. goody boy, maybe you can't swear either but she can and will turn into any woman you want for the rest of your life.  If you are in the mood for arabian one night, you get arabian, want a bigger girl, there you go.  She could possibly go half half half, like black ass, mexican tits, and a big irish head with long thick red hair.  Or B you can do all that social stuff, but you'll probably end up knocking a girl up and being stuck with her life and she can't change shape, but you can still have fun and if she's a drinker too then it might be a good time. 

Duck Fuckers

In order to get out of paying our rent we had to prove no one was ever living there so every time we would enter the building we would turn into ducks that way he would see no one living there.  Well anyway there ended up being about 39 ducks and they all were people trying to get out of their rent too.  A lot of duck fucking was going on.  So there’s the lesson, never run away from your problems. 

UPDATE ON RACE, NOVA SCOTIA:

 Lead after Check point = Hippie.  You remember there is a race between a hippie and an asshole right?  Anyway they are in Nova Scotia right now.  We saw the hippie in a pedi-cab, and the asshole in one of those parachute things you attach to boats, parasailing, that's it.  His dad bought him the tickets.  They didn’t realize that the race was supposed to be mostly on foot. 

The Favorite Shirt Theory

If you have a favorite shirt, you would wear it more than any other shirt because at times you feel the best in your favorite shirt.  The more you wear your favorite shirt, the more you have to wash it if you don’t want some stank, the more you wash it, the more it becomes deteriorated, the sooner it will be destroyed and descend into nothingness.  The more you love something the more you will deteriorate it.  The opposite goes for your least favorite T-Shirt, your least favorite shirt will be worn the least, therefore it will last the longest.  Does this mean everyone should wear least favorite shirts to destroy them, or is that part of living?  It’s up to the sun my friends. 

Never Use Lysol In a Super Soaker...

I loved my super soaker collection. I had the pocket one, the 30, 50, and 200 among others.  In school, one of my friends had diplomatic immunity because his dad was the ambassador from somewhere and he would drive like crazy fearlessly down the streets of the neighborhood, super soaking everyone, motorcyclists and pedestrians in his bicycle with a side car. He got one of these big kids to drive the bicycle, kind of like from The Mighty, the kid was slow and could be bought off with funny pictures of babies. Later on in school he retired the supersoakers to the garage of the house and one day in summer while working on a project in the garage I saw a kid run inside and pick up 3 of his supersoakers and run off with them. He ran after him, caught him, made him cry by telling him that he was gonna call the cops, and that he had raped the Easter bunny or something like that and then dragged him home down the street to his mom's.

Babies!

Babies!

Babies!

 Puppies!

Evil Babies?

DEATH!

More Babies!

What is the Octopatient?

 What is the octopatient? It tit will be the best thing you have ever encountered next to thriller by Michael Jackson and the best thing is that no one knows what it is, yet it will make everyone’s life happier that the lowest of scwavel by Mark Twain, I hate white wash.  I don not know what I will become in the decade to think about you will have to break with the take of the nine to seven spirits of the world of today, they will combine to show your destiny in  a world full of hatred thanks to osama bin laden in connection with maurri povich and and that other with the 20 inch tall people I can‘t believe that guy has actually sunk down to that kind of level.  What would bring someone to hurt someone else why would they do that.  Girls are pretty a lot, guys aren’t but yet it still hurts even to the most wises of Moses.  The damn triangle shape people can stick it up their asses if they want me to do those tricks involving the otters and seals, it sickens me to agree with them but that’s the way it is going to be.  I can’ t help it that I am a loser but if I am loser someone must be gaining and it probably is that guy who wins he gets the girls he gets the fame, he gets the life that even Prince Henry would be jealous of in that parliamentary sense of exasperation of enlightenment, shit, even the angels can’t think of anything when they are sad.  But when they are happy they right books upon books upon book about people being happy and the weird thing is people never read them, people will never find them but yet they are the secret to all humanity, is something that humanity will never find. And that is we need to accept,  just because someone is different doesn’t make them, we don’t need to be they don’t need to be right but we just need to fucking accept things the way they are and just watch DVD and play Playstation.   I can’t wait until Playstation comes out with a system so that I can plug the biggest juiciest lemon brain of mine into and enjoy a world created by me, somewhere where prostitutes pay you, and when you gamble you always lose but you are still the high roller of the century.  I wish I was friends with Dr.Dre  if I was I would have death row on my back when I would get into fights with those pricks at recess that didn’t get their milks everyday, but if they did they wouldn’t have been. All that matter at the time was milks, seeing woman’s boobs, and hitting high on the SNES.  Even if I could travel back in time I probably would even if it would take me two centuries to accomplish.  When you gain this power you can do anything, because your brain is fully functional when it is asleep because it has to keep you alive even when you are awake.  Even if I could tell her I love her I don’t know if I would, it would ruin lives in ways I could never imagine today or yesterday, but why is it such a hard thing.  The two girls I loved the most were Kelly and Katie, those damned Kay names. Shit I’m selling my body for plasma is that the same as prostitution its exchanging fluids, the spell check checked me for prostitution.  Back to what I was saying Kelly and Katie they both had the two greatest bodies in the world and I fucked it up.  What was I suppose to do besides let it tame me, if I could be tamed, even by evolution of the 90’s with the computers.  Someday humans will become computers that is what is happening now, machines won’t take over, but humans will become more machine, and then not care about even the lottery they won’t win.  That is why they made a robot to be a human in that Movie T2 about the O’Conner family.  That is why they were killed because they were Irish he was really from that radicalitsitc group in Ireland those orthodoxies and the roman catholic Jews all hate each other to that certain extent of hatred with the fire devil of now.  With time comes hatred then responsibility then realizing all you had to do was accept.  Accept you son if he is gay just like everyone should just accept each other, shit instead of being a has been you will be a never was, that movie was horrible who cares about a figure skating boy who is all attractive to truck drivers who can’t stand the pine cone and gas stations, how can he play hockey.  I wish many shows were on that would make my life happy in a certain way of hospitality.  I want to move to an island, be free, be away from josh Hartnett and responsibility.  Wouldn’t have to worry about paying, or stocks to buy. Wouldn’t have to worry about what my life turns out like or where it will, or worrying about what others will think when they think of me.  That is the beauty of it, they won’t think of me, they will think dead, dead in the matter of time. That is what time is it is a beginning and end we all have are own time.  Back to the begging question I was going to tell a girl how special she was tonight but why didn’t I….Fear, fear of loneliness, I really this one is the one, we will be perfect together tonight, under the rainfall of tutonacomen and those mayans with their mathematicians and eclipses by the sun.  Why does the sun have to that why does it hate, in the future if the sun runs out we should just send nuclear missiles to start another one and bang new solar system of life either that or just making a livng space ship that is a planet and move. I want to be good at something that is why I am doing everything in something maybe I will hit the write sport of G.  People hate me, they respect me, but most of them think I am a quiet loser. One that is going to rampage in the dawn of respectful tomorrows for all to see.  You will be surprised in the surprise you have layed down I have it good but I can have it better, if you never end something it continues forever, if you never end life it will continure forever, if you never end the game of life it will continue forever, I always thought that game took way to long to do, and then we had to play it in dollars and sense, where Cindy wanted to bone me but she didn’t like me and she never wanted to do anything with me ever.  That is a bunch of bull shit man.  They can just walk all over guys who think the world of them with out granite how can that be thought, laws of life don’t pertain to those whole actually follow them but to those who actually make them up and don’t follow them. I want this and I want that but it just doesn’t work out like your life is in the stars but it is here to sagitarius.  Fait will take you wherever it wants to go those walking paths of everybody are all over places.  It’s like if you keep walking in the same direction and if you will run into someone there path was destined for you SHIT  I have to piss and I am done.  But just think of all the ideas that don’t get known, and if you would have written down in a certain time in the space time continuum you would have written it down but now you didn’t, HaHa.  That will just screw me over thought.  I might be pack the path. The secret to your heart exists in a plane of Don Kiddles amazement.  Why not if exists there it can exist anywhere.  Especially within side the part of a growing boy, not knowing what it takes to live, what it takes to die.  Why did they have to say laser dick shit?  Why do you people have to ruin things that great blizzards and poontang.  Whats going on in loser town if the trite have retired to their graves, of eternal prosperity.  Gonads and Strife, that is genius man.  My name is Jimmy Strigger and here is my story. 

Asshole and Hippie Decide to Race Arounnd the World

                               The Hippie                                          

 The Asshole

The Prize

Banishment to an Asian Girl’s Sex prison

(that’s different from an Asian Prison for Sex Girls)

THE RACE

The Race is not just some pussy on a tricycle.  Going around some barrels of hay drinking a beer every time they make a lap, hey that’s a pretty good idea, hmmm.  What caused the race?  Well one time in this park the asshole was being his drunk self in the early afternoon and chopping down this tree while smoking some cigars, I mean some big fucking stogies with ashes flying everywhere.  The hippie saw him but didn’t do anything he just sat at this park bench staring off into the distance, it was later confirmed that he couldn’t move because of the PCP.  But the Hippie had a photographic memory even when he is completely gone.  He somehow remembered the guy’s license plate and went to the guy’s house one night.  He then put a shark in the asshole’s Range Rover.  When the asshole got in the car to go workout in the gym, the shark took a big bite out of him.  But the hippie left a shred of evidence, his ‘frolf’ disk with his phone number on it.  You see he’s always worried about losing it.  The asshole went back to the hippie’s house and destroyed his house/tent/shanty town/commune in the local town square because they were trying protesting something but just an excuse to get together and eat sugar cubes laced with LSD.  The hippie actually caught the asshole in this act but there was nothing he could do he realized.  For some reason there is an unwritten code between douche bags that if one is wronged than the other must be wronged and since hippies and assholes file themselves under this category they both decided that the only way they could decide who should die is a race around the world.  They both decide the check points, and got their training in gear.  Since then, they’ve been spending most of the time fighting about what song to play the whole time during the race.  The Hippie wants B-52’s “Rome”, and the Asshole wants either Walking on the Sun by Smash Mouth or something by the Cranberries.  He says he doesn’t care if everyone thinks they are a gay.  He doesn’t think he is gay, the asshole that is, he is the one that recommended the Asian sex prison, he swears by it. 

The Check Points Are:  Starting line = Some park in western Kentucky because there is a great jam festival there; Nova Scotia AKA the launch pad to Europe; Friedberg, Germany; Uzbekistan; the Maldive Islands; Mongolia; New Guinea; Santiago Chile; The Falklands; the Congo (because they went too far); Cairo Egypt because they wouldn’t listen that they went too far; Lincoln, Nebraska, Finish Line = the step before the start line. 

READY…SET…GO! 

Hogsmeade-Bound & Down

Harry Potter meets Kenny Powers.