I like how judges say to the jurors please strike that from the record, yeah because saying that is going to wipe their memory.

Osama is watching TV.  It is making terrorists lazy. Wait, we won then right?  That should be our number one weapon, just launch 1000 McDonald's, Burger Kings, KFC's, Red Boxes in the middle east, and give everyone a tablet with a $100 Itunes gift card.  Not a biological or chemical weapon but a social.  It's how we beat the Russians.  Make everyone apathetic about everything and they watch Teen Mom 4 without hesitation for an entire afternoon. 

You Can Make 3 Trades a year

 I can make 3 trades a year in Single A ball. That can be broken up or all together. George wasn’t talking to anyone on the other end of that phone. Isn’t weird to think about that even just 8 years ago how different the world was, what we know now in the collective consciousness, the history of events everything that is happening. We are the eyes ears nose mouth of the universe. We are God, we can see the universe, we can hear it feel it experience it know it and we may be the only things that can do that in the universe. Then they get pushed by gravity at extreme high velocities. They go all over the area for a long time. Just think of the consciousness of a gnat for a second what it experiences what it sees what it feels this earth is to him. What it is experiencing, just thunderous booms all the time everything is threatening.

Why does the sun shine so brightly in that orange sky, with no clouds.

 To see what the sun has seen is true knowledge, but only half. Lovers lay in the fields of feelings. They lay there sun on their backs, with their past, looking into each others eyes. One with eyes of shame, the other with eyes of innocence. The houses where they grew up only a short distance away from each other, their lives spent there, there whole worlds just a mile apart. There is a whole world out there Sarah. A whole world in which I never knew of. All this work we have done, to impress all of these people is worth nothing, the moment you realize this, you realize that people don’t care who you are. The sun's best is down, a hot summer day like many, can take its toll on the least of the aristocrats, for the heat for them is on the bill. Animals play for what they do not know is what makes them the young in Lyell’s eyes. All of life doesn’t come with a guarantee and neither does this scene, a scene of scolding and resenting, a scene of forgiving, and emptiness of the past.

Marriage is a form of slavery and I’m not sure why

 women are so eager to get it done. Back before lets say 1940. essentially that’s all marriage was, you didn’t work, you raised kids, you cooked, you had sex, etc. Men had sex with their slaves all the time. It was a way you could entrap a woman for life. Because before Henry the 8th, that is what Mormonism is all about having women as slaves. When women were completely obedient. They had to be, probably could be deemed a witch. I mean did men ever burn for being wizards? You don’t hear about it as much. Women could be hit, killed raped, a marriage was setup for love but you were expected to be obedient in every way. Nope it’s gone.

Problem With Fancy Pant Zippers

The probability that I will have my fly open skyrockets when I am wearing fancy pants, ie pants with a suit, or other dressy get up.  I don't know if I'm worried too much about boogers in my nose, and I'm checking for those every time I exit the bathroom, or I focus to much on face time and noting how good I look .  Or maybe it's because most of the time at home I'm in sweat pants and I'm not conditioned to zip up.  

So, No More Mars?

Oh we’re going to mars, blah blah no lets shut down NASA.  Let's make it to the moon in 1969 and then not do anything afterward?   It’s because people were disappearing in space and they were melting, they figured out we can never leave the earth.  You don't really realize how powerful the sun is once you get outside the magnetic field.  Or the lack of gravity tore them apart from the inside.  It had to have been terrifying though in reality.  You go crazy, are there moon people?

The Kafka Sandwich

Dill Pickles, BBQ, Onions, Bacon, cinamon, pastrami,  mozarella, blue cheese dressing, steak ums and special sauce.  Why does Kafka look like a humanized Eagle? Oh good they put too much fucking sauce on this.

Rise and Fall

And they just crush this hot blonde pussy constantly. They play cousins. How is this not the most uplifting tune/video of all time. And not only that but the show too. I mean there problems were always goofy you know. There was never like cousin layer lost all his money gambling or something like that. It was crazy shenanigans that just ended up getting them laid more. 

Foreign Courtesy

 You would get pissed if someone from france came up to you 4x a day and asked you where shit is, so I realized I need to know how to say:

Where is the Bathroom?
Can I have a drink of (Beer) (Water) (Whiskey) (orange juice)…
I would like a chicken dinner
I like your shirt

 Learn these 4 phrases in any foreign language country you go to and you will be fine.

Fall of Rome

You were trying to piece together moments from history but wasn’t romes downfall in tune with their gain in gladiatorial matches. They just went to that and concerned themselves greatly in the coliseum spending many man hours doing it. Not worrying about legitimate things anymore.  Well that and their over extended military that pissed off the rest of the world. 

That's the other thing that gets me TO'd, people talking about the fall of Rome, Berlin Constaninople, et al.  These cities didn't fall, just the beliefs.  Rome is still there, the romans are all over the world still.  Their are relics from those ages all over the place.  There are never falls, only transitions.  

Burn Out And Fade Away

 Fire works are like the big bang pretty much right then it fades out but that energy goes out somewhere. Eventually that’s whats going to happen all the energy will dissipate into infinitely small particles just simplest form of existance, right? They will be so far apart perhaps. A black hole creates infinite energy in order to create the big bang. Eventually the universe will be consumed by the black hole.

Never Wish Cancer Didn't Exist

Of course it's sad, but you can’t hope that cancer never existed. If cancer never existed everything you know and love would never have existed, and you wouldn’t exist just from the sheer magnitude of the causal time rift of how many other people would exist in time and for longer. Not to mention cancer makes us better as a species and not just from an emotional and biological standpoint. We have these disease that wipes out mass numbers of people on regular basis, it’s going to take the resources of just about every human being and their resources to accomplish this. We have to work together as a giant organism in order to rid ourselves of this sickness, that is a big evolutionary step in a society. So no I don’t think should like to hope that cancer never existed, I hope it gets cured tomorrow that’s why I liked.

Generation Spoiled.

 Everyone of us has been spoiled.  We have football to watch for 15 hours a day on Sunday.  That is spoiled.  Some of us are tough mothers but lets face everything is better now that when I twas twenty years ago but we are are spoiled.  We can’t go back.  We lose something we riot.  Just vodka tonics all night.  Go gin and tonics.  All the 42 regulars somewhere with all different pant sizes. 

 Also with the tea partiers, are you going to say that not a single one of them has a horrific thought of doing something terrible run through any one of their minds once?  That is usually the problem in our society we think too much in absolutes. In our situation above with Brewers vs Cubs.  Obviously when we discuss it amongst one another, the cubs suck, all cubs fans are degenerate douches, but when you think about it Jeffrey Dahmer was probably a Brewer fan.

 Remember that feeling you got when you saw that one chick, all that was a huge release of hormones. But the problem I have with it is that in order for someone to have a near death experience, they can’t die. They have to come back and report on what they saw. They see a light, they see their life flash before their eyes. Look at most Midwest cities from high above there is green everywhere now. We do all the clearning up. If you find a hair it is a fold up, carbon fibor chair.

Most animals will never know what they look like, most of the things in the universe will never know what they are, they can only see the world, and even their eyesight has many shortcomings. Even a fly probably wouldn't say hey that is me looking in mirror. That’s not another fly, I am my own thing.  Just think like a fish has no idea what the fuck the universe is or what is going on in the world. The world from the perspective of a tadpole, a frog and a mouse, is just about the closest thing to hell in it's truest sense. 

In the capitalistic system, economical inequality is acceptable. It is the engine of production.  So the political organizations and the state have to guarantee this inequality because theoretically inequality brings richness...

 

Where Are the Gills?

Why hasn't science and engineering been able to recreate a set of gills yet.  Dumb looking fish, they can turn water into oxygen.  Hello!

There has to be some electronic way we can do it!

What If Women Only Had 3 Periods

Every time I went to a hockey game with my buddies I had to make this comment, and i knew they always loved this joke since every time I said it they would smile and nod their heads. Then years passed and I began to think what if women did only have 3 periods. Onnce you got your period, you would have a month to try and procreate, and once the 3 are done there are no more. You never knew when it was going to come, so anytime between 13 and 72 or whenever it ends. You might have to be scrambling to find a mate.  Things may get intense. 

The Most Frightening Thing About the Robot Offensive

Take the best RTS game player set him up against the computer on expert see how they do. The machines will always have best strategy in mind. They will make 2 million robots made of hangers and that run on car batteries that just shoot a gun and stab a knife. They will cost $20 for them to make it and they won't stop until they are destroyed. We will use up all our resources trying to destroy them

Does it worry anyone else that you never got your ACT test back? No, well okay then.

Grandma Sex Talk

The grandma should always have the sex talk with the kids.  There is not that uncomfortableness that comes with this being the thing you raised and you have to tell them how to use your things, not to mention much more experience.  Maybe she knows what she would rather have, a life lesson of love. 

College

 It's like buying that 12 gallon jug of jelly beans. You think it will last forever. But before you know it is over and you weigh 30lbs heavier.

Flying is Dangerous as Fuck

That whole "statistically you're more likely to be killed on the way to the airport".  What statistics?  I drive probably 2000 times a year.  Its like the whole losing your keys and remote thing.  People think it's so funny how those are the only things we lose but we also use these things every day.  Placing them in many locations over the course of a week.  Humans just lose things on a constant basis 5% of the time, and that portion is just enough to make our lives go from miserable to horrific in a split second.

How Long Do you Think It Took Cavemen to figure out which hole was for procreation and recreation

See the problem with man, especially somewhat primitive man, is that you know just enough about the universe but honestly you don't know shit. For instance, pregnancy you recognize it as a miracle, but as a primitive man you wouldn't know about sperm and egg, genetics, gestation. Oh it's a god right. so it probably started out with some stupid myth and worshiping some stupid god. You had division amongst tribes.  You had skirmish's, heated debates and fights.  You had one ape man go all in on the anal and the other go vaginal.  All the anal's just died out eventually, thought they would start back up int he 1960's except adoption is now widely available. 

In 1960 there was one homo

In 2015 there would be millions.

And it's weird how it works like that, it switches. 

I'm talking about 5000 BC man.  Those weird celtics and egyptians. I don't know.  

I think with animals on some level it's just instinctual, but when man evolved he lost that. He understood he made life but had no idea how, made up a story.  Now we are still somewhat primitive we know absolutely shit about the universe, but we think we do.  We might be 500 year of solid progress away from that, then maybe the world will be pretty cool.

Jesus

 Jesus was a pretty great guy, not the whole son of god thing, but that he just got the ultimate shaft and still was a decent person forgiving everyone.  It’s like hey you screwed me out of a job, okay, well jesus was tortured to an inch of his life then killed in a long ass process by the very people he thought loved him, while his lover and mother watched and as a murderer was set free.  Jesus is the ultimate example against religion.  They uses him as a son of God.  Jesus was about non-religion.  But they used Jesus.  Jesus = Santa. 

Looper Groundhog Day

Human History

Human history has gone on for roughtly what 5000 years. I’m talking civilizations, buildings, stories, myths, religion, active drug trade, recorded history, this whole drama has beeng going on for 5000 years, this is my land, no this is our land, this is my wife, you fucked my wife, I hate your God, well your god’s a fag for 5000 years, that’s not bad when you really think about it. When you condense it down to a couple days worth of stuff it’s pretty funny what’s all happened here.

To Be A Dog Or Not To Be A Dog

A lot of times when someone is having a hard day, they'll notice how their dog is just lounging around doing nothing and claim something stupid like "I wish I had the life of a dog."  Now your lucky this isn't the twilight zone and the next day you would wake up a dog and be trapped in that world forever with still your thoughts.  With every life decision lets go through this thing into a pros and cons list.  For best possible scenario lets assume you would be a dog born in an American suburb Minneapolis,  since some countries have decided to treat dogs like we treat pigs, crazy right?

Pros
You can sleep most of the day
You get your food for free
You get to shit out in the open and have some one pick it up for you
You get lots of positive encouragement based on basic commands
You get to experience the world in completely different light, you don't know what the stars mean but you see them, what does fresh baked bread smell like to a dog?  Can you hear phantoms?
You are naked and no one cares
You get really, really excited about somewhat mundane things, it must be like being on heroin
You can pretty much do what you want on some level and no one complains. 

THATS IT!

Cons
You get your balls chopped or your vag put in a food processor
You can only eat dog food for the majority of your diet, otherwise some scraps of gizzard and gristle, you are lower class. 
You can only eat when you are allowed, and people may forget sometimes or your water gets old and stale
You can't masturbate, if you get spade or neutered I'm not sure what that would even be like.  Maybe you are horny and try to hump things but you can't feel anything down there.  You eventually lose all passion and go insane saddest thing ever. And you can't count the dogs that can bat at their genitalia, try bating at your dick with your hand and see how that feels. 
You get extremely scared a lot over normally mundane things, it must be like being on heroin

Sometimes You Have To Take The Long Way Home

Maxium Effect

Bugs are taking over, how much of our technology do we spend on bugs. How many bugs do we don’t destroy the food chain we just control it. Once we have genetics we don’t need the suppliers that is what is stopping it. If we mastered cloning we live forever. Be a mad scientist. Evil.

No Fait

Roombas keep popping up like it is fucking Screamers and you got drones multiplying like hell. We just want to make sure, did everyone see Terminator, did everyone see Moontrap (well maybe not). What are we trying to prove? Japan has festivals for robots. The country that bombed us in 1941, and that we a-bombed in 1945 is building humanoid robots, that can sprint forever, and lift cars at an alarming rate. What the fuck people? Those Asimov principles make absolutely no sense to a machine programmed to do one thing. They were thought of by a guy hundreds of years ago. How is it programmed into robots?



In a few years you know they'll have sex robots. They check semen for health and shit. Figuring out the perfect time to strike.

Billy Madison Mentos Commercial

Chevy Love/Hate Affair

Steve Goldberg and Arch Enemies - 23rd Century Identity Crisis

Celebrity spokesmen are the best

The fonz would never lie to me right?

PLEASE DO MY TAXES!

I want this to be the thing that stands between me and the IRS, between me and size 13 up my ass, and this being my future wife. 

That'd be the only way to get a mom like that. Well that, and this for a dad. 

Yes Super Mom Is Just That Busy

I mean how does she do it, 3 kids, and 3 pieces of bread for breakfast.

I Wish I Was 2 Again

Pissing my pants, eating all day long. I would just walk around be like “hey mom where is dinner”, then I would go watch some cartoons, and laugh by ass off all day, then I would eat a whole bunch of food, fudgecicles, and candy. I could go outside and take shits just like a dog. I could grab babysitters boobs and it would be considered cute. I could also think…

Oh Baby

Baby you know I’ll always love, I’ll always have a place for you in my libido. You know those other girls didn’t mean anything to me, and I got herpes by accident baby, I swear it was my friends. Just thinking about giving you that sex gets me all hot, doesn’t it you baby?

Personals.

SCB: (Single City Bear), seeks friend for NYC “rendezvous”. Cute and Charming. Furry. Will always laugh at your jokes. Gets Better with age.

Humans are the pussies of the primate species

If you can’t beat man, change man. Notice in the last 50 years how much man has changed, south park and crab people were right and we are about to get dominated by some extra terrestrial with a pole up their asses but they will be able to beat us. The people with power today are the ones with the money not the ones who could rip a head off a lion, or rip another man’s scrotum off to prove they are the alpha leader.

Nothing Is Good Or Evil Only Thinking Makes It So

I knew this guy that hated children and believed that at their roots they were truly evil because they were just undeveloped adults. But never assume kids are evil, miniature versions of adults. Adults are simply evil because we are complete versions of children.

Is it about putting something new into the world, or should you think about it being a good at all. I mean anyone can put something new into the world, every time you skeet something was there that wasn’t there before but were you doing it for the right reasons. Ah hell is that even good.

Sinful Intrigue

My knowledge of soft-core porn will come in handy when a group of scantily dressed, woman need to raise $10,000 overnight to save their beach house, and the only way is to open up a bikini bistro/massage parlor.

Playtime might be the best Cinemax porn ever.  Look it up if you want.  

Just Be Fulfilled

 To those who feast everyday, don’t feast at all because they do not cherish everyday they feast but only the days they do not.

Remember that slut on the Golden Girls that was pretty funny.

Go Forth and Prosper

How are we such an interesting species, we live by the philosophy of others, and we die by life long frames of those famous. Today our lives are dictated by whether we do or do not love life. Judging our lives by the minute, yet trying to live for a lifetime. How long we invest ourselves in the secret of others only to find out we are seeking our lifelong inhibitions.

According to people who watched the Super Bowl half time show, the middle finger is offensive

Apparently the children's virgin eyes and minds have been destroyed by this new found form of expression.

Could they even tell us why it is offensive?

No History

 We don’t understand our place in history, oh those that don’t know it are doomed to repeat it we cry. We will always repeat it no matter what because we don’t know our place in it yet. In 500 years there could be a huge ass war for Panama and everything we are doing now helped cause it.  We can blame bush all we want, but the real cause to all our problems in the Mideast came from when galileo took a shit on allah's doorstep.  The seeds of war are never innocent. 

We we repeat history around the world everyday.  You can memorize history but never understand the causality.    We know but we don't know the causes of the know. 

Men Dancing

Moral Question -  would you rather have your husband on E and dancing or not dancing at all. 

It's Official...

..anyone can now say the N word anywhere they want without fear of being judged. 

but only towards White people. 

 

Nigga who

Nigga wha