Funny Places to Fart

 State park tours, in front of your girlfriend, in thrift stores in front of young people and couples, while working out, in front of chimps, communion, during a protest, on bugs, in bottles and saving them for later, in a furniture stores on the furniture while someone else is looking at that particular piece, while having sex (make sure there are bubbles in that one), prison camps during torture sessions (I’d watch that one though cuz you might push too hard that something would come out, but then it could be even funnier)

The Problem With Orgy's

The only reason I don’t want to be in an orgy is just that I’m afraid I would be double teaming some girl with some other guy that I had just met so I don’t know why I’m that close to his balls.  Anyway I’d look over and see another girl just exploding from some other dude, then I would feel sad and wonder if I was really pleasing my third woman, she would probably look over and think, I wish I was with that guy, damnit

The Frog and the Spider

A retelling of a great story, it is the simple stories like this that make you examine what the hell is happening.  Some versions tell it with a scorpion, but that’s a stretch. I think a spider vs. frog is much more like a Mr. Smith vs. Neo thing, Matrix I not II or III.  Anyway there was this spider resting next to a stream, he needed to get to the other side to survive the harsh winter.  On the other side lay a bountiful garden full of many insects and other delicious prey.  But there was no way a spider could cross this dangerous stream without drowning.  The spider then saw his one and only chance.  A frog was getting ready to dive into the stream for one of his daily swims for which he enjoyed so much.  At the very moment the frog was about leap in, he heard faint voice call him out.  

“Excuse me Frog, but I was wondering, if it wasn’t too much trouble, if you could take me to the other side.  I would surely die by staying over here”

“I don’t know spider.  You have a very deadly bite, and if I take you across what is to stop you from biting me with your venom and in doing so killing me?”

“Well frog, if I bite you while we are crossing I would die as you drowned, and by the time we get to the other side you will still be able to move much faster than me and avoid my bite. And of course it wouldn’t be kind of me to bite someone that did such a nice gesture for me.”

The frog hesitated but at the last moment remembered what would Jesus do? 

“I suppose I could help you out, as long as you promised not to harm me.  I suppose it would safe since it would spell your doom as well”

“Oh thank you so much frog, you will not regret it.  It is a good thing to have a spider for a friend, especially since we share a common meal”

The spider climbed on top of the frog’s back.  The frog then dove into the stream and swam with ease.  The stream was no match for the frog’s powerful legs, and the spider sat safely on top.

When the frog had reached the halfway point across the stream, he felt a stinging pain in his neck followed by a warming sensation throughout his all body, and then numbness. 

“What has happened, my legs are getting weak”

“I’m sorry frog.  I have bitten you with my poison”

“Why have you done that?! Now we will both die!”

“It is my nature frog”

The frog’s swimming soon became erratic and out of control, finally one last kick of his leg and he became static, his eyes gazing off into the nothingness of a distant place.  Now motionless he sank through the cold water, bringing the spider with him.  Both dead, they would remain there until their bodies dragged through every imaginable bottom.  

To Be Continued

Did this really happen?  What are you on an acid trip, frogs can’t fucking speak spider douchebag. 

Science Proves Perfect Penis Size is 5.7 inches

Breaking News right here this hour.  A bunch of scientists and universities released a decades long study to deduce using labs that the perfect erect penis size is 5.7 inches.  That somehow this size acts in complete harmony with the g-spot, the t-spot, the cul de sac, and yes even clitoris to give the most mind blowing orgasm of your life.  All vaginas are exact the same.  Now before anyone gets on me for perhaps being biased, my penis is 5.6 inches, so I have just as much to lose as the rest of you with this new discovery. 

 

You would be wise to memorize well.   

Quote of the Day

The past seems brighter, the future seems unforgiving, but it is the present you should always love, 

and remember just how lucky you are.  

A New Proposal

Anyone who knows me, knows I have an extreme disdain for anything to do with engagements, engagement rings, engagement parties, engagement presents, rehearsal dinners, weddings, wedding rings etc.  Marriage I'm fine with, my grandparents marriages were awesome and meaningful.  It's just when you get into the $15,000 weddings (that's usually on the low end) does it really come down to who you are marrying or who you are trying to piss off on your guest list because they did something to you or try to out do you with their wedding.  And $2000 for a photographer?  It's not my fault you dropped six figures to learn how to take Polaroids.  

So I have an idea for a new proposal.  If women are fine and expect this whole 3 months salary bullshit or whatever on their engagement ring, then my new rule is whatever I spend on an engagement ring you have to in turn give me that amount for my bachelor party.  I spend $2000, I get a $2000 credit for a bachelor party, and $2000 can buy a whole lot of bachelor party in the midwest.  Why not do this ladies, this agreement is so beautiful.  You might get get a $5000 engagement, but you know to be fair and equal, how it should be in all parts of the world, right, we would get $5000 for our right of passage on bragging rights.  Obviously if you are going above $20,000 you are probably a douche and it would be best if she might be able to reciprocate, ie have the financial means, don't make it too ludicrous. Or I guess since it is only a credit maybe work out a payment plan . Like if you want to, get her the big one, but say "you know $2000 is fine honey for the party", even though the ring cost fifty.  Just something nice. 

The Great Pube Wars

Have I ever told you about The Great Pube Wars of the near future.  Oh this one is great, so if you have any non-fat kids tell them to sit on your lap.  These aren’t the pubes that are on the body.  A pube is a type of animoid humano, has different features, it’s some kind of beast, but human. Basically it was someone who went through puberty when they were 10, namely Travis Smoldt from Pious.   See there are different types of pubes, Jungle pubes, Sea pubes, Space pubes, Underground pubes, Computer pubes, Ghost/Phantom pubes, Garbage pubs, etc, etc, etc.  There are just a lot of them.  Anyway in the year 2013, all the pube hunters will use their pube clubs, to get all the pubes into the big pube hole that we built in Russia.  We will keep these pubes occupied in this hole, since there is no way out, it’s pretty deep.  Then, in the year 2015 the Savior pube will bust them out, as the scripture described.  He is a pube full of vengeance and scurvy. He rides a motocycle with no wheels, but he saves them despite that fact.  Although the battle only lasts 23 min, we destroy all the pubes, thank you