Sorry Girls

I have been wrong.  My view towards women have been clearly chauvenistic and I must ask that my female readers forgive me.  Although I wrote how I truly felt about women at the time, it was completely subjective given recent experiences with women throughout my life.  The rejection, the taunting, the ditziness, the shallowness, the coldness, all of this I have experienced in a majority of the women I have encountered, and regretfully I have used this as a baseline to judge all women.  I just hope you can understand where I came from in my previous writings about women, true there are women out there that define the characteristics I have described before but obviously not all of them fit those categories.  Many of these females have diluted my sense of manhood, and I therefore thought it was necessary to damn all womanhood when that is of course completely ludicrous.  Again I hope for your forgiveness and your vagina.  But seriously I do, it is wrong, and I care.          

A Creed To Live By

I just thought how sweet it would be to have a Creed movie, one in which they battle Satan, and play their music all the time.  They would have lasers on their guitars and every time they would wale and kick ass they could fire them.  Then Jaeger would be kidnapped, and Creed would play “With Arms Wide Open” and kick the devils ass, then it would end with a sweet ass charity concert.

One of the Best Excuses

When I am a grandparent I will tell my grandkids that if they ever are in a bad situation, or they need to get out of something, they can always say that I died as an excuse, and I wouldn’t be offended, I would be so proud.  Such as “Excuse me Billy, did you get your homework done” said Teacher, “I’m sorry my grandpa died last night” Billy.  Or “Billy this paper is horrible, how do you explain yourself” Teacher, “My grandpa died last night and I wasn’t able to concentrate on it” Billy, “Oh my God I am so sorry Billy, be like a rock”  as she gives him a hug and starts crying.  Billy of course gets the thumbs up because he got away with it and his hot teacher is hugging him. Or even the best situation “Billy I don’t know if we should have sex, I don’t think I’m ready.”  “Stephanie I was thinking the same thing, but its just that my grandpa died last night, and I’m just feeling really empty right now, he always told me if it feels good do it, I think those were his dying words.” “OH Billy take me, my ass is ripe”.   I want to help my grandkids, you know. 

How to Sleep

What if there is in a evil force in the universe that is afoot.  He is old coot, he has the patience of a rock.  And slowly but surely he is adding weight to the Earth, throwing dust at us, meteors that get grinded to grains of sand, all in all adding about 10 lbs to the earth every month.  Now this can have various effects.  The Earth traveling around the sun, the speed would slow down, would it not.  Also the gravity would increase because our mass has increased, and therefore we would pull in more of this Old coots garbage, and it would perpetuate itself, maybe we are doomed.  Now we need a super hero that takes 10 lbs of Earth out of it and throws it into the sun.  But hopefully wherever the Old coot takes his garbage from is losing mass, and thus creating the opposite effect of what is happening to the Earth, and in turn balancing the universe.  Invisible expressways that just crumple after you drive over them. 

Funny Places to Fart

 State park tours, in front of your girlfriend, in thrift stores in front of young people and couples, while working out, in front of chimps, communion, during a protest, on bugs, in bottles and saving them for later, in a furniture stores on the furniture while someone else is looking at that particular piece, while having sex (make sure there are bubbles in that one), prison camps during torture sessions (I’d watch that one though cuz you might push too hard that something would come out, but then it could be even funnier)

The Problem With Orgy's

The only reason I don’t want to be in an orgy is just that I’m afraid I would be double teaming some girl with some other guy that I had just met so I don’t know why I’m that close to his balls.  Anyway I’d look over and see another girl just exploding from some other dude, then I would feel sad and wonder if I was really pleasing my third woman, she would probably look over and think, I wish I was with that guy, damnit

The Frog and the Spider

A retelling of a great story, it is the simple stories like this that make you examine what the hell is happening.  Some versions tell it with a scorpion, but that’s a stretch. I think a spider vs. frog is much more like a Mr. Smith vs. Neo thing, Matrix I not II or III.  Anyway there was this spider resting next to a stream, he needed to get to the other side to survive the harsh winter.  On the other side lay a bountiful garden full of many insects and other delicious prey.  But there was no way a spider could cross this dangerous stream without drowning.  The spider then saw his one and only chance.  A frog was getting ready to dive into the stream for one of his daily swims for which he enjoyed so much.  At the very moment the frog was about leap in, he heard faint voice call him out.  

“Excuse me Frog, but I was wondering, if it wasn’t too much trouble, if you could take me to the other side.  I would surely die by staying over here”

“I don’t know spider.  You have a very deadly bite, and if I take you across what is to stop you from biting me with your venom and in doing so killing me?”

“Well frog, if I bite you while we are crossing I would die as you drowned, and by the time we get to the other side you will still be able to move much faster than me and avoid my bite. And of course it wouldn’t be kind of me to bite someone that did such a nice gesture for me.”

The frog hesitated but at the last moment remembered what would Jesus do? 

“I suppose I could help you out, as long as you promised not to harm me.  I suppose it would safe since it would spell your doom as well”

“Oh thank you so much frog, you will not regret it.  It is a good thing to have a spider for a friend, especially since we share a common meal”

The spider climbed on top of the frog’s back.  The frog then dove into the stream and swam with ease.  The stream was no match for the frog’s powerful legs, and the spider sat safely on top.

When the frog had reached the halfway point across the stream, he felt a stinging pain in his neck followed by a warming sensation throughout his all body, and then numbness. 

“What has happened, my legs are getting weak”

“I’m sorry frog.  I have bitten you with my poison”

“Why have you done that?! Now we will both die!”

“It is my nature frog”

The frog’s swimming soon became erratic and out of control, finally one last kick of his leg and he became static, his eyes gazing off into the nothingness of a distant place.  Now motionless he sank through the cold water, bringing the spider with him.  Both dead, they would remain there until their bodies dragged through every imaginable bottom.  

To Be Continued

Did this really happen?  What are you on an acid trip, frogs can’t fucking speak spider douchebag. 

Science Proves Perfect Penis Size is 5.7 inches

Breaking News right here this hour.  A bunch of scientists and universities released a decades long study to deduce using labs that the perfect erect penis size is 5.7 inches.  That somehow this size acts in complete harmony with the g-spot, the t-spot, the cul de sac, and yes even clitoris to give the most mind blowing orgasm of your life.  All vaginas are exact the same.  Now before anyone gets on me for perhaps being biased, my penis is 5.6 inches, so I have just as much to lose as the rest of you with this new discovery. 

 

You would be wise to memorize well.