We Bought a Zoo (Recut)

Regrets as a Child

 When I was a kid I never slept.  Perhaps that is why I will die an early death all those episodes of Dobbie Gilles stuck in my head from Nick at Nite at 2:30 in the FUCKING MORNING.  That is probably why I was short and fat in my youth days.  Later I learned it was because I ate 15 brats a day, with 2 quarts of snizz, and I never did any squats.

Rules of Society

When you are walking down the street and a person is walking towards you, you go to the left, they go to the right, and so on and so on until run into each other and look like people with thumbs up there ass’s, instead whenever you see people walking towards you do a 270, sprint 10 yards fake hump the ground then do a 110 and moonwalk the rest of the way home.

Would You Rather: Have Sex or pee amazingly

Every one of these has been about sex I think, but what can I say, I have a penis.  So it's either have sex normally, or every time you pee it will be like you haven't peed for hours and were holding it in no matter what the situation.  Obviously you really aren't going to give up sex, but peeing after you've been holding it in for 5 hours might be the most amazing feeling in the world.  Not only because it feels good but that you are a survivor.  When did the whole stigma against peeing in your pants come about, I guess pants who have had to have been invented, so at least around that time. 

Sterming the Porn

 The blueprint for Sterming Porn:  The reason we have to use the term sterm is that we are stealing what would normally be rented, hence “Sterm”.  We made our plan using salsas and pickles and even a salt shaker.  Ryne, dressed in drag, would be the driver, Mikey, hung like a mule, would be the cowboy that grabs the porn, Johan would be the preppy tennis player that catches the porn and throws it in the car, Raul, the frenchman, would be the door opener, and Rodrigo, dressed in a one piece leotard, would be distracter two.  We first mapped it out in reality, there was a big pillar we could use to our advantage, and metal detectors we would have to get around but we figured it out.  First Mikey would go in and go straight to the porn in the far right corner, then distracter two, would ask the person working for all these non existant titles like Titanic, and Time’s Man of the Year is a Woman.  Then he would say nevermind could you show me where Lake Placid is, while the lady is going back, Mikey would take the porn from the shelf and take it to the front of the store.  As the lady is bending over to get Lake Placid, Raul would open the door, and I would throw the porn out to preppy ass Johan who would be running, he would catch and then throw in the Ryne’s car going in the opposite direction, and bingo Porn Stermed.

Lilith Fair

I can’t believe there was a time in my life I actually wanted to go to Lilith Fair.  Could you believe the smell?  Menstruation + sweat + man hate doesn’t smell good. 

Offspring

My kid is going to have really short legs, and a really big head. So he can do all this thinking, and walk very slowly down a fast shallow river.

Charles Bronson Haunts My Life

All that I can remember is the stern determined face of one Charles Bronson, AKA Paul Kersey. Because I had fooled around with his daughter, note I did not rape her, I did not kill her, I did not give her drugs or put her in touch with someone who could and those in turned killed her, no I just fooled around with her a little bit, nakes. Nothing would stop this guy. At this one point I was able to hold him down, I needed to do something to him but all I had above me on the shelf was booze and other bottles filled with liquids. I tried to dump as much booze into him as I could, my only hope would be to get him too drunk to care. But get this, the fucking machine said to me “the least you could do is get me a beer”. He actually fucking said that, what the hell. I didn’t know whether to let him up or get him a beer. While I held him down I called one of my friends over and he got a beer from the fridge but the bastard chucked it at Paul’s head as hard as he could. That’s not going to knock him out, that’s going to piss him off even more.

Live Right, Do Right

 What is the right philosophy?  To enjoy everything that is now, because in reality this is all we have.  What is the point of philosophy, if it is never right, yeah it is the most important thing for a person to have or else how do they live their life?  I look back and now and I think my life was so good compared to now.  But I know I was miserable so many times then.  Will I look back to now as the best years of life, only not to consider that they too may have been miserable?  One of the most depressing things is realizing that you will be doing this the rest of your life with no hope that it will ever change and no will to make it.  When will it end?  But I know eventually everything you’ve ever done will be forgotten.

My Fun-eral

If I would die tomorrow I would want everyone to go to a party after my funeral, but I would like to have a closed casket so no one could see where the body was.  While people are at my after party funeral they are gauging themselves on this delectable cracker spread and cake, they can’t believe how delicious it is and neither can I.  At the end of the party, everyone will be given $10, and then told what they just ate was me, happy holidays, no go buy yourselves some therapy.  When everyone leaves I want any leftovers to be put into a DVD case of Charles Angels and sent to Ashton Kutcher telling him how much he sucks. 

Art Doesn't Count

 When I was in the gifted section of the glass in the second grade, which I was only in because I cheated on a math test, we got to work with clay one day, while everyone else did their flash cards, or noun exercises.  Out of my ass I make this perfect duck and everyone loved it.  The teacher couldn't stop going on about it.  This kid I really respected, and I hoped he considered me his friend told me how cool it was.  They even put it out on display in the library.  I am not artistic and in no way did I intend to be, but that day I learned, or maybe it wasn’t that day but yesterday, that you don’t have to be good to be successful at art you just have to be lucky. 

UPDATE ON RACE: The Maldives

   

Lead after Check point =   The Hippie.  This swimming part of the race is really dragging things on.  The asshole won’t take off his backwards hat and tear-a-way pants, while the hippie keeps resting on the buoyes in the middle of the sea because of his inner ear problem.  We’ve sent a couple topless natives out to greet them see if that will pep them up but I doubt it. 

Buddhist Ideas to Ideals

One should be the pupil of everyone all the time.  One should express one’s appreciation of all that is well said.  One should speak of others’ virtues in their absence, and repeat them with pleasure.  Great Good arises from continuous devotion towards the fertile fields that are the Virtuous and our benefactors, and from the application of an antidote in the case of one who suffers.

The discussion of forbearance revolves around the inappropriateness of anger.  Anger alienates one from the very beings whom one has undertaken to save. 

A Bodhisatva who breaks precepts out of desire still holds sentient beings in his embrace, a Bodhisatva who breaks precepts out of hatred forsakes beings altogether.

There is no evil equal to hatred and no spiritual practice equal to forbearance.

One’s mind finds no peace; neither enjoys pleasure or delight, nor goes to sleep, nor feels secure while the dart of hatred is stuck in the heart.

Since what has not arisen does not exist, who would then form the wish to come into existence?  And since it would be occupied with its sphere of action it cannot attempt to cease to exist either.

In this way everything is dependent upon something else.  Even that thing upon which each is dependent is not independent.  Since, like a magical display, phenomena do not initiate activity, at what does one get angry like this?

When one wishes to move or to speak, first one should examine one’s own mind, and then act appropriately and with self-possession.

One should do nothing other than what is either directly or indirectly benefit to living beings, and for the benefit of living beings alone one should dedicate everything to Awakening.  Do not kill, do not take the not given, do not commit sexual misconduct, do not lie, do not ingest intoxicants

The reason harm is bad is because it is caused out of ignorance.  In order to see the four truths, the mind must be clear, and still; in order to be still, the mind must be content; in order to be content the mind must be free from remorse or guilt; in order to be free from guilt, one needs a clear conscience; the bases of clear conscience are generosity and good conduct. 

What would be the purpose for something that already exists?  Seed cause for apple tree, if you have an apple seed does the tree exist, is it a condition for something non existent, if the apple tree exists latently then what do you need the seed for.

The 7 Steps

1. Recognize all beings as having been one’s mother (infinite universe), enemy or friend all were once mother to you.
2. Recollect the kindness that they have shown to one, the kindness that your mother has shown you.
3. cultivate the yearning to repay the kindness, what person do you want to be
4. cultivate loving compassion keep mothers from suffering and keep them happy
5. give birth to great compassion
6. attain the unusual attitude, focus on the other
7. Bodhicitta is the result (but in practice, one inserts the exchange of self and other)

And that is why I should move to China, not to mention that I love Chinese buffet and Asian women and those sexy wrapped up feet. 

Japanese Businessmen

Walking around in their little suits.  Geisha, Wasabi, Alchoholic Tea, is what they are all about.  Machines not men, they sleep in trays they live in cubes.  18 hour work days with 7 hour overtimes a day, bowing.  Sleeping while they work, but still working at full capacity, domo, domo.  Suits, Ties, Glasses, smiles, hand shakes, tears, death….

Big Blue = Big Pussy

 Why was there such a big deal made over that time when the computer blue beat that one guy at chess. Everyone was saying Oh my God, the future is here.  But I don’t get it, I once got my ass reemed by the computer in NBA Live ’97 and no one gave shit about it.

Who's The Boss?

 The poor mans Scott Baio is the Rich mans Tony Danza, think about that.  Who’s the boss?  Charles is in Charge.  If you take David Duchovony and everything he has done it hasn’t even come close to what Keifer Sutherland and Bill Nye have ever done.  Bill Nye is the world’s greatest scientist, not because of what he researched, or thought of, but because he taught the children the ways of the world.