Quote of the Day

The past seems brighter, the future seems unforgiving, but it is the present you should always love, 

and remember just how lucky you are.  

A New Proposal

Anyone who knows me, knows I have an extreme disdain for anything to do with engagements, engagement rings, engagement parties, engagement presents, rehearsal dinners, weddings, wedding rings etc.  Marriage I'm fine with, my grandparents marriages were awesome and meaningful.  It's just when you get into the $15,000 weddings (that's usually on the low end) does it really come down to who you are marrying or who you are trying to piss off on your guest list because they did something to you or try to out do you with their wedding.  And $2000 for a photographer?  It's not my fault you dropped six figures to learn how to take Polaroids.  

So I have an idea for a new proposal.  If women are fine and expect this whole 3 months salary bullshit or whatever on their engagement ring, then my new rule is whatever I spend on an engagement ring you have to in turn give me that amount for my bachelor party.  I spend $2000, I get a $2000 credit for a bachelor party, and $2000 can buy a whole lot of bachelor party in the midwest.  Why not do this ladies, this agreement is so beautiful.  You might get get a $5000 engagement, but you know to be fair and equal, how it should be in all parts of the world, right, we would get $5000 for our right of passage on bragging rights.  Obviously if you are going above $20,000 you are probably a douche and it would be best if she might be able to reciprocate, ie have the financial means, don't make it too ludicrous. Or I guess since it is only a credit maybe work out a payment plan . Like if you want to, get her the big one, but say "you know $2000 is fine honey for the party", even though the ring cost fifty.  Just something nice. 

The Great Pube Wars

Have I ever told you about The Great Pube Wars of the near future.  Oh this one is great, so if you have any non-fat kids tell them to sit on your lap.  These aren’t the pubes that are on the body.  A pube is a type of animoid humano, has different features, it’s some kind of beast, but human. Basically it was someone who went through puberty when they were 10, namely Travis Smoldt from Pious.   See there are different types of pubes, Jungle pubes, Sea pubes, Space pubes, Underground pubes, Computer pubes, Ghost/Phantom pubes, Garbage pubs, etc, etc, etc.  There are just a lot of them.  Anyway in the year 2013, all the pube hunters will use their pube clubs, to get all the pubes into the big pube hole that we built in Russia.  We will keep these pubes occupied in this hole, since there is no way out, it’s pretty deep.  Then, in the year 2015 the Savior pube will bust them out, as the scripture described.  He is a pube full of vengeance and scurvy. He rides a motocycle with no wheels, but he saves them despite that fact.  Although the battle only lasts 23 min, we destroy all the pubes, thank you

I once had a love affair with Leslie Nielson...

 ...that was one amazing summer that I’ll remember forever.  Leslie made me laugh so much, and helped me find out who I really was and what I wanted from my life.  I always wanted to make love to Leslie, for years thinking about it everyday, what it would be like when it finally did.  Then one night, Leslie couldn’t get to sleep and came up into my room to talk, it felt like a dream the whole night.  Leslie was so soft yet firm in the right places, comforting me every step of the way.  I had dreamed of kissing Leslie’s lips, those eyes, the way the cheek had adorable little freckles, and now it was all true.  I would remember it as much as Leslie would, and that’s what made it complete.   As the summer went on, Leslie would climb up onto the bed and hold me until I fell asleep, and would wake me up when I needed to get up by kissing me passionately.  But before that Leslie would give me a quick fellacio. You know I was talking about the girl I went to high school with right?

More Tips For Life

1. When breaking a bottle to cut someone always break with the under side of the table, that way glass won’t hit your eye as you break it.
2. Never fall in love.
3. The smaller problems will fill up the bucket faster than the big ones.
4. Always think someone is testing you. 
5. Never trust a woman when she wants to have sex with you.  She probably just wants to have sex with you because she is already pregnant by another guy who doesn’t want to be the father so she makes you think you’re the father and you will then want to take care of it. Watch Circle of Friends if you don't believe me. 
6. Grow a beard as insurance in case you kill you someone.  Then shave it and you will look nothing like the guy who did it.  At lease you’ll be harder to recognize
7. Don’t trust anyone, there are too many snitches.  The strongest bridge is you. 
8. If you ever feel sick, or like you are going to throw up make sure you eat a lot of oranges before so at least the puke smells somewhat decent.  You know like oranges. 
9. Never Smell Garbage

You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else

Our whole lives we are told we are unique, that there is no one else like us in this world; I guess there is no fun in being told you are the same as everyone else.  What is wrong with this?  People being taught that they should be proud of their big noses, freckles, moronic ideas, Inuit accents, small penises or Portuguese heritage because they are the only ones with them and that’s what makes them special.  300 million Americans being told they are a unique snow flake.  All these people believing that they have to satisfy their individual, creative desires and therefore they might buy into something they believe is unique when it is just massed produced like everything else.  Go to an Ikea, Pier 1 or a Target to see this.  This is a major characteristic of today, mass producing something that seems to be one of a kind.  Opinions are made through this process too.  Opinions that we think of as our own and we must defend them to the death and anyone who does disagree of course is an ass homo or a ramidacus.  But then there are some that think they are so unique that they accept all and every opinion which this is also an shared opinion onto its own.  Can anyone relish in the idea that no matter how individual we think we are, that our ideas, that there are probably going to be at least a few million people with exactly the same?  Or what's worse 6 billion people with 6 billion opinions.  Why do people cry?  Being told you are the same as everyone else could be the best lesson of them all. 

Snow Day

 Sammy was a depressed child.  Depressed of the repetitive nature of the world, the way people talked, and what reached importance in people’s minds.  For being this way, his grades were horrible, no one liked him at school, and on this particular day a young little girl, Kim, who lived next door to him laughed at him until he peed his pants when he stood at the front of the class to do a math problem he couldn’t solve, or find.  As he walked home, he thought of about a day of revenge no one would soon forget, but then a small flake of snow landed on his nose and forgetful he soon became of the day.  He looked up and saw wave after wave of fresh whiteness from the sky.  He looked around and saw the fresh layer of purity cover a dank, dirty ground that had been browned by snows, cars, and mud previous.  He ran home as fast as he could, his excitement out pacing him every step.  That night as Sammy lay, his dreams of pure anticipation filled his mind at the possibility of what tomorrow might be.   A tomorrow free of complications and regret, the stuff you think about when you are that young.

As soon as he woke up the next morning he glanced out his window, and saw an alien planet of whiteness as far he could see.  Neighbor’s houses were now white snow palaces with icicle pillars.  The roads and sidewalk were under inches of snow.  No cars, no people, no worries.  Everything man made had disappeared.  He quickly ran outside and took one jump from the top of his stairs and landed, hitting his face in a fluff of pure coldness.  Minutes seemed like days, this was the happiest Sammy would ever be, he thought.  He dug is sled out of the garage and marched towards the town sled hill. 

When he finally reached the top of the hill, he saw the kids from school.  He froze and watched as they seemed happy not noticing him.  He remembered the days of torment and did not want that anymore.  A day like this would be ruined in such moments.  He started back home, but he heard his name being called behind him.  He stopped mid-stride and turned around.  All the kids were smiling and waving at him to come by them.  He ran as quickly as he could with the biggest smile on his face, sled kicking behind him.  Everyone greeted him with glee; perhaps all their torment had vanished in the wake of what this day could be.  Even Kim who had laughed at him, was there.  She apologized and grabbed his hand leading him to the fun.  

The great snowball fight of the year was soon to start.  The kids built their forts and loaded entire sleds up with dozens of snowballs.  They chose sides for which to unleash their playful cantoracs, and quietly waited behind their respectful forts for the battle to start.  It soon began as kids would run up to other forts and jump over them, hurling balls of snow as fast as they could. Others throwing as hard as they could without hitting anything at all.  Screams of joyful fear soon became laughs as kids pickled their way through the field. The only hope was that all the fun for this moment, for the memory of this winter day as kids lived like they wanted to, would last forever.  Some threw their fire haphazardly, while others chose their marks and began launching larger snowballs.  Sammy spent his time on a single one carefully mashing and compacting it.  He wanted to wait for the perfect moment.  Perhaps he would be the hero and win the greatest snowball fight, on the greatest day in the world, of this place, for his side.  He finally threw it as hard as he could at a girl.  The girl was hit directly in the face, the once soft snow now burning and stinging her every nerve.  Everyone stopped as they saw this, the girl was hurt but did not cry, and began laughing once again, the fun would surely continue. 

After witnessing this, others began to compact their snowballs as tight as possible before they threw them, realizing they could make the others quit much faster if the frequency of these impacts increased.  They had to win, they wouldn’t be able to live it down on the schoolyard without a further rematch, but the first victory would be theirs.  Yet further, others began to spit on their snowballs as much as they could making a layer of thin ice allowing them to be thrown a greater distance in tact.  But even more so, to inflict an increased damage point to the other kids, not teams anymore.  As the one side threw theirs, the others were inflicted with greater pain and the thoughts of a greater pain inflicted on them festered.  The fear one gets in the competitive notion. 

Then Sid, one of the bigger kids at school, in all of his shy awkwardness but feared respect came behind Luke and threw his ice ball as hard as he could into the back of his skull.  Luke fell to the ground immediately crying in pain.  This was not like the snow that hit the girl.  Others noticed as blood trickled down his neck.  One of Luke’s friends picked up his sled and charged Sid.  He raised the sled and hit Sid upon the back immediately knocking him to the ground.  Sid's large stature protected him from attacks like this, but he still picked up whatever snow he could find and balled it back in the kids’ face.  The snow ball fight resumed with more pain as others began to form a Sid side.

Kids began to dig beneath the snow to see what competitive edge they could find, for there was none on the surface.  They found tree branches, and garbage, old bottles, and clumps, upon clumps of solid frozen earth, so perfect to aid in the barrage.  A group of kids took apart a nearby, decrepit shed and began swinging at foes with shards of wood with every imaginable shard piercing through it.  Smacking the face of one another did not create remorse, but desire, they did not care because the pain of the first blow could still be felt.  Rapidly all that remained was but a few.  Sammy, who hid from most of the carnage, climbed on a door that had fallen on young girl named Kim.  She called for his help but instead he looked down and saw the girl who made fun of him the day previous, she had no name.  He smiled at first, and she saw a sympathetic boy and smiled back.  But then he thought about the way he looked in his bathroom mirror last night, tears down his face as his mother asked if everything was okay while trying to gather up the strength to say “fine” because he understood boys don’t cry.  Then he looked at what he held in his hand once more, a giant club he’d discovered buried in the snow, the one that gave him the edge over them all.  At this moment he wished he could tell Mike “I don’t wear a dress and Easter Bonnet,” and Kyle “I like to suck my thumb,” and Tommy that “I’m proud to love my Mommy.”  But all he could see was this girl, and he put his words into his weapon of choice.  He then took one last look at her and raised his it high above his head.  He smiled as he smashed it down.   Sammy dreamed that night he saw angels moving through the streets.  Not a vision of peace, but perhaps it was only those that would die in years down the road.  This life was not the lie he was told, but the only thing that his hands could hold. 

Kids will be kids as a snowball fight always starts.  Though kids walked away, not one soul survived that day, even in the fight amongst children.  A stained snow covered by blood, by our true selves.  What was witnessed here was not the innocence of a child but the plight of man, and in all time it can’t change.   But soon snow will cover this field yet again, and no one will know or remember this day of tragedy, that is the good thing about snow.

Ahhh, my nads I’m feeling a shock of Truth

I’ve been blessed, but yet that is not enough to just stand and stare.  What else can I do but to give myself entirely to the cause which is both unworthy and just?  Is it wrong for the dog to think of himself, or for the others he will not lick himself for?  I wish I could prey upon the oak and worry about nothing else.  But this is my life which I have to accept because there is nothing else to accept but which we are given not by which we are taken.  The preying mantis is the only one who can piss and moan about his small life because there is nothing left, he doesn’t even realize Jupiter.  Maybe that’s it, just too small to realize the larger picture.  We only want a free lunch but why.  The sky never says what it wants from us, but do we ever ask.  Is this poetry or just bullshit, I think its more bullshit than any other phrase in the universe.  What the fuck does poetry do for us anyway?  It’s just some pompous asshole who didn’t know what else to do with his or hers and decided I should then learn to write some words together, what else is there from life than to put words together.  It’s what you get for trying to do what you love.  You scathed and scoufled, and you get cramped to the extreme especially in your calf and stomach when you just want to do something good. Wanting to go back but it’s gone forever.   What does inspiration matter?  You will only inspire the next line to those who will inspire another group of word tellers, never anything worth while. 

Never play bloody knuckles against a 40 oz’er, because chances are you taint going to win. 

Trip to the Record Store

So I walk into this record store and I tell the guy at the register if he has any new Kirk Cobain from that band Nirvana.  He gives me kind of an inquisitive look, like he’s not into this stuff.  I had just bought Nevermind, so I tell him it is the greatest stuff I’ve ever heard, and he should really check it out, I mean it could be the next big thing.  Then I mention that I even started to play guitar myself, maybe someday I could be in their band and play with Kirk. He seems like the type of guy that is really happy and appreciative of everyone who loves Nirvana. I ask if they are thinking of putting out another record, because I tell you I think it would be a hit if it was anything like their first one.  Then I ask, “didn’t Kirk marry Goldie Hawn a couple years ago, she’s such a sweet heart for putting up with that jerk Mandela”  For some reason I was banned for life. 

Le Huitieme Jour

Le film “Le Huitième Jour” est un film par réalisateur Jaco Van Dormael.  Il a tourné en mille neuf cent quatre-vingt seize.  Il y a deux vedettes dans le film, Harry et George.  Harry a été joué par l’acteur Daniel Auteil, Il est tres connu dans la France, et George a été joué par l’acteur Pascal Duquenne. Je pense que Pascal Duquenne a agi mieux que Daniel Auteil.  Une actrice dans le film est Miou-Miou, elle a joué Julie, la femme de Harry.  La version originale a été tourné en 1960, par Marcel Hanoun.  C’est un film du francais mais il y a les sous titres pour les spectateurs américains.

            Le film a commencé dans l’institution avec George.  George est un resisdent dans cette institution.  Il a voulu être avec sa mere, mais sa mère est morte.  Harrry est un employee du banque.  Il a beaucoup travailé.  Sa femme l’a quitté en comment ses enfants, parce-que Harry a beaucoup travailé. George a recité les sept jours du creation: le premier jour on a fait le soleil, le deuxième jour on a fait la mer, le troisième jour on a fait les disques (la musique), le quatrième jour on a fait la télévision, le cinquième jour on a fait l’herbe, le sixième jour on a fait les hommes, et le septième jour, reste. 

            Un soir, quand Henry a conduit a la maison, il a frappé le chien de Georges.  Il a été tres triste, mais Harry a rêcontré George.  Harry n’ai pas su quel fait avec George.  Il l’a emmené au poste du police, mais George a caché dans la voiture.

            Le matin prochain, George a mangé beaucoup du chocalat, Il a été tres mal.  Harry a conduit George á la maison de la mère, mais sa mère est morte.  Puis, Harry s’a conduit á la maison de la soeur de George, Fabienne, mais sa soeur n’a pas accepteé George dans la maison.  Apres, George et Henry ont mangé dans un restaurant.  George a donné un cadeau pour la serveuse, mais Elle a rejeté George parce-qu’il était un mongolien.         Puis, Ils ont conduit á la maison de sa femme, Julie, pour la célébration d’anniversaire de son enfant.  Harry a attaqué Julie, puis George est entré pour les arrêter.  Harry a été tres triste mais George  l’a fait content. 

             Harry a conduit George a  l’institution, et a dit “Au revoir George”.  Mais pendant un voyage au musée d’art, George et ses amis ont quitté, et ont volé un bus.  Ils sont allés chercher Harry et Nathalie.  Ensuite, Ils sont allés chez Julie, pour l’anniversaire.  Il y a eu feux d’artifice, et un carnival.  Mais, les policiers ont arreté le celebration. Nathalie est allée á la maison, George a été triste. 

            Finalement, George a mangé beaucoup de chocolats, et il est tombé du bâtiment. Il est mort.  Harry a été triste, son ami est mort, mais Harry a été content ce il s’a recontré.  Harry a joué avec ses enfants, sa vie a été meilleure que avant.  Ensuite, Harry a recité les sept jours, comme George, mais Harry a dit “Le Huitième Jour”, on a fait Georges. :-)

            “Le Huitieme Jour” est un tres bon film.  Il est tres amusant et drôle, mais émouvant a la même temps.  Je pense que le film est très génial.  “Le Huitieme Jour” est le meilleur film j’ai regardé dans la class de francais. Le film est aussi bon que “Titanic”.  Mais “Magnolia” est meilleur que “Le Huitième Jour”.  Le film est un film d’amour, une comédie, et un drame.  La musique dans le film est très bon,  surtout les chansons de la mère de Georges.

            “Le Huitième Jour” était un film que nous avons regardé pour la classe de Francais.  Nous n’avons pas payé pour regarder ce film, pas de guichet.  Nous l’avons vu dans la classe avec une télévision, pas de grand écran.  La séance a commencé à 10:15.  Ma place pour le regarder a été dans le deuxième rang.------La Joie de Vivre!!