UPDATE ON RACE: THE KUBAN

Lead after Check point =  Draw. 

They wage a war against the Cossacks but lose horribly, the asshole had half of his scrotum bitten off by a rabid child, and the hippy was just beaten senseless but they didn’t kill him because that is not the Cossack way.  It is worse punishment to beat someone within an inch of their life to let them live so it can happen to them again, probably by the very same people.  The only downfall was that they were kidnapped together because we had to pay one large ransom they wouldn’t release one without the other and we needed our race to take place.  If it was just one of them we would have let him die because that is the way of the race. 

Body of Eeyore Found in Hotel Bath Tub

Las Vegas – The body of Eeyore, long time resident of 100 acre forest and beloved children’s character, was discovered early Tuesday morning dead in a hotel room in Las Vegas from an apparent gun shot wound to the head.  Friends of the donkey were stunned of the news.  “I always saw it coming but I’d never though he would actually go through with it, being depressed was part of his MO” said Winnie the Pooh who rose to fame with Eeyore.

Citizens of the 100 acre forest claimed Eeyore would go on and on about how one of these days we’d be sorry he was gone.  “He was just kind of one of those depressed people that would go on and on about how worthless his life was but he never did anything about it.  It was more to balance with other characters such as the optimist Pooh” said Owl, a resident who lived in a nearby tree. 

But the warning signs were all there:  He had feelings of worthlessness, guilt, lost interest in usual activities, diminished sexual drive. Kanga, Eeyore’s ex-wife suggested it might have something to do with her after she left him for Rabbit.  We had one big fight before he left; he told me Roo wasn’t his responsibility.  I know I should have said something when he told me he had bought a gun and only one bullet” said Kanga.

Paramedic Mitch Fogbank was called onto the scene when a hotel neighbor heard a gun shot. "It's a tragedy," Fogbank said. "He was a talented jack ass who had lots of people and animals who cared for him.  I loved him when I was kid.  I guess he just needed to hear it more often.”  Toxicology reports showed a blood alcohol level of 0.36 percent. That exceeds the 0.08 percent level at which most states consider a person too impaired to drive. When Eeyore had lived in the 100 acre forest, he frequented various social gatherings, and he will always be remembered for providing helpful services if someone were to get trapped in a hole trying to get honey.

Today's New York Post reported that Eeyore spent the last hours of his life partying with a prostitute in her motel room and drinking heavily Saturday evening. He had been due in court on Monday to submit a progress report on his "drug diversion" treatment following a December conviction for crack possession.  Most people attribute his addictions to a coked up tiger that also resides in the forest but he was not able to be reached for questioning.

The suicide note was laced with owner Christopher Robbins name, about how Chris was always going to grow older, and how he never would.  “No one wants to grow older, but I guess what could be worse is seeing those around you growing older and yet yourself remains as it always was, never changing” read a quote from the letter.  We think he was listening to a lot of Donovan and INXS before he killed himself. 

All I have to say is that it’s a damn shame, but oh well life goes on.  I’m sure that’s the way he would have wanted, at least we can speculate.  He probably wouldn’t have wanted us to care. 

Now and Then

All the older generations, they think our generation is fucked up.  That all we think about is sex, and that all we do is sex, yeah so.  Look at the greatest generation, they got home from the war, all they were doing is having sex.  They made the baby boom, there’s always more than one boom.  I bet they were having sex ten times a day, topped off with an anal at night.  Then our parents, getting married in their early 20’s just to have sex, then they have 10 kids, us.  What the hell is going on here?  All our parents and grandparents had much more sex than we ever did, or may ever have.  Ah geez, stupid mental images.

Isn’t it funny that in the 50’s girls had to wear long skirts, and men’s basketball players had to wear short shorts, junk short.  And now, women wear short skirts, whore short, and men wear long shorts, how queer. 

The May Pole Will be Empty Tomorrow

Take a look at that sliver in the sky

From a window that marked the end of a time

A million lights will be seen

Can you chase a mouse if it was a machine?

Jango Fett = Bruce Springsteen

II

Per theorem stated before,  it would mean Bruce Springsteen would have the best life ever as well because Jango Fett = Bruce Springsteen.  He owns so much land.  He married a hot ass red head, who doesn't seem like she gets up in his shit because she honors who he is and what it is okay to be about.  Thunder Road.  Everyone loves him, he rules the world.  If you have a problem with him you have a problem with yourself.  Plus there is still a pretty good chance Samuel L Jackson decapitates Bruce sometime in the future with a light saber. 

Hating On Math

It’s kind of funny how kids piss and moan and complain about math all the time.  Now here is something that took complex thought.  It took a cell dividing in two for math to exist, for math to be understood by a complex species and therefore known.  All you do is cause problems for your kind of hot teacher because you don't care to understand it, when it took billions of years of evolution to figure out and develop it through our society, and have a few percentage advance it every generation since Babylon or something and them be humble enough to try and supply it to the masses .  Persecution from those that thought it was the devil's work.  Lifetimes to develop theorems in order to figure out how to build the perfect bridge and aqueducts to divert water to cities of thousands.  All so some 3rd grader could bitch how they'll never use it to their parents, and their parents agreeing that they are right.  Spiders can probably do math though.  Count paces and stuff to find directions, find their way back home.

Leaves of Glass My Ass

Is there any glass that will be created that won’t eventually break at some time in its life?  Does that mean that it is glass's ultimate destiny, ultimate purpose to be destroyed, no matter whats? 

Words of the World

Buchingvise- (n)  dreams that chimps have that envolve becoming a butterfly that eats a banana.

                        Stilomaty-(n) the aspect of the greatest religion that concerns the usage of sims in perfect dark.

                        Crettow- (n)  a cowboy who is lost in this mixed up world, no one can tame him.

                        Dansnusensephone-(n) a horrible phone

                        Lichtenhosin- (n) a spank delivered from a sober irishman

                        Monsheisering- (v) using suction cup dart guns to cause grief with people that

have bad backs

                        Sterm- (v) to steal something that would normally be rented.

Stalker of Andy “Matlock” Grifith Finally Brought to Justice

Early Sunday morning Hazel McCurthy was apprehended by local officials after she attacked Andy Grifith, of Matlock fame, in his Bel-Air estate.  Most reports indicate that around 5 AM Andy heard his security alarm go off.  But before he could reach for his teeth and glasses Ms. McCurthy restrained Mr. Grifith using some kind of hand woven scarf.  She then began to force Viagra down Andy’s mouth and massaged his testicles as he became erect.  Fortunately police responded swiftly to the alarm before the situation escalated.  Mr. Grifith claimed when she heard the police sirens in the distance she became erratic and sweated profusely.  She then tried to flee the area by walking as fast as possible holding herself up against the wall and breathing heavily. 

“These perpetrators are always hard to catch because they wake up so damn early, she probably could have killed him before we even started breakfast” said Lt.  Danielson who was one of the first to arrive on the scene, “we were lucky she hadn’t brought her lark, or she might have gotten away.”  The five police officers spent over an hour trying to apprehend her.  “She wouldn’t go down without a fight”, claimed one of the officers “it was the most brutal bitches we’ve ever seen, please excuse my language.  It took three of our men”  Another officer reported, “we tasered her a couple times but she just kept coming, finally we had to take out the sticks, that was of course after Schmidt but a bullet in her knee cap.  I don’t care how bad her arthritis is, she was going to kill us.”  One officer suffered a broken arm, and another a mild concussion.  “All our lives we are taught to celebrate that generation, but most of them are just a time bomb of fury ready to go off.  Pounds of pills, decades of pent of rage, remorse for younger people, all that time cooped up in a nursing home, its just a matter of when not if” said Sgt. Greg Tamber who suffered a bruised sternum during the attack. 

When police searched her home after the incident they found a most disturbing scene.  Graphic pictures lined the walls of her one bedroom assisted living area.  There were pictures of her giving it hard to Mr. Matlock. The pictures involved straps, whips, dog collars, and gelatin substances.  She also had love letters written to the star, that she never sent, many of which describing the pictures that she drew.  “I’ll soak you in a bath filled with apple sauce then shave you head to toe, licking every square inch taking away your delicious hair,” read one of the letters. “This is beyond obsession here, this is…”

To many she could have been a sweet old lady who was always good for a twenty or one could always hit up if they were selling something.  But sadly, this wasn’t Hazel’s first attack. In 2001, Jerry Van Dyke had visited her retirement community in one of his whirl wind tours promoting Big Lots stores.  When Jerry was in his dressing room, Hazel came out of a closet naked, covered in apple sauce and started grinding on him.  “We believe this just encouraged the Matlock incident because Mr. Van Dyke dated her for a couple months after, but left her for another woman” said Dr. Slate after examining her.

Some doctors blame her episodic-psychotic behavior on her recent increase in medications.  She averaged several pills of varying prescriptions daily which were easily obtainable through Medicare programs.  Dr. Slate believes it was combination of that and the fact when she spent that much time with a person through the TV you begin, she started to live her life vicariously as if she actually was with that person.  “The old age didn’t help either” he commented. 

Andy Griffith was a self made man who struck lightning twice with TV show hits such as The Andy Griffith Show, and the courtroom drama Matlock.  He has had schools, days, and towns named after him which catapulted his success to world wide fame.  But with fame comes this kind sick and demented fan. 

When it was all done, Andy was a complete gentleman about the whole situation.  “I just hope she gets the kind of help she needs, and I’ll do whatever I can to make sure she gets better” said Mr. Grifith.  ”I’ve had this happen to me so many times, I’m really used it to it now. The love letters are common, stalkers, and of course the naked pictures.  It may be weird at times but I adore all my fans because I wouldn’t be here today without them.  Sometimes I blame myself for writing that much sex appeal into my shows.”  The officers commended Mr. Grifith on his noble behavior or the situation but attribute it as the “Viagra talking.”

Lt. Danielson commented “She’ll be doing some hard time at St. Augustine Core women’s penitentiary.  She’ll be put away for a long, long time, but I’m sure she’ll be able to watch TV in there.”

Update on Race Friedberg, Germany

Lead after Check point = The Hippie. Friedberg, Germany  The hippie saw this one guy named  Matthew “Zoo” Fischer at a local bar.  He was reading some book of poetry that his sister wrote while drinking Miller Lite.   He had an American flag sweatshirt with fishnet stalkings.  He was a pretty big tool so they got a long quite well.  He always blinked too hard, and talked really close and loud to you.  It was something you couldn’t help not noticing but what were you going to say.  He thought he was smart by saying all these big words that didn’t make any sense when put together.  He was an idiot.  The hippie was entranced by him so he lost some ground but gained a whole new experience on his life.  The asshole hated most of the cobble stone streets

Legolas

 Those people they didn’t have to die

I was Legolas, the master of the rye

Shoot arrow, shoot arrow

Those damn Kamikaze Nazi’s

 Rapid bow fire, they cannot stop me

Night trolls, the night watchman nothing is free

Are the stars of middle earth just the same

I tried to put the life of an elf into a small neat frame

 Back into the fort, for your lives are at chance

The eyes of the beast were the eyes of the same

The night sky is ablazed with the fire at Helm’s Deep

Do they seek the key, or only defeat

 How can the world accept such a fate

How can you see a man’s world through elf’s eyes

You must use the bow to lengthen your time

The arrow will never reach the proponent according to Einstein

How do I die, when I am invisble by a computer’s code.

 No Elvish word for quit

If they ask me what I will wear, I shall say triumph

If the sky holds a question I choose not to answer

But for the love of one, I will know all

What the hell is a confluence anyway?

Is it our decision of who we are?  I think if the caveman could see what the world has become they all would kill themselves.  What you should do is a futuristic show that just bashes all the people today, how they will be remembered.  It’s impossible to see it now, but there are so many people today that will be seen as the downfall of mankind.  All we do is just suckle at the teet of the accomplishments of the previous generation.   If our generation blows what will our children be suckling besides our woman’s teat.  The opium of the collective if you will.  And the funny thing is that no one stopped him, no one said hey that’s not right, because we all apart of either the group who cares, or the group who watches.  I think we have to realize that we are not alone, that we are apart of each other, we all started from the same DNA we all are just mixture of each other.  Once we figure out we are just one giant organism I think things will be pretty sweet.  Who’s he talking to anyway?  Who are we talking to when we talk to ourselves, there are other people. Everything we see is a part of the past, the only thing that is happening in the now in that moment is our self.  Making us feel pathetic is the greatest form of control.  We just better do something now before it gets worse.  The revolution always starts at 3:15 among a chaotic orgy of drunk thoughts but it soon find itself amongst the horrid rejection of everyday life, and the untimely unsettling possibility of nothing.  I think we all have to understand it’s all the same ball with no sides.  Why does everything have to be for survival or for the species why can’t things just be?  We all develop philosophies because we want an answer.  A group of people find a notebook from when they were in 4^th grade of what they thought was cool, they decide to love the same things they did when they were younger thinking it was so much better when it just creates as many demons as it destroys.  Now you are a part of it and nothing can change that. 

History The Way I've Always Wanted It

The world began when Moses, formed from sea plankton and sea monkeys, conquered the seven seas and defeated Superman in the battle of Calcutta. He brought together the 3 tribes:  Cucos, Thotverfad, and Yihuvert.  Moses was then the King of the world and declared that everyone give him their money and porn, and with this he would be a greater ruler.  But deep within the jungle the Transformers were amassing a coup d’etat against Moses because of his views on diplomacy, abortion, and grade school education.  The Transformers were successful and a put a coalition of leaders at the helm of this new great empire, Maximus, Attila the Hun (who later invented Time in 1873), the guy who killed the first Buddha, and Steve McQueen.   

The biggest contribution was bringing all the continents to form one big land mass known as Waterworld, cost of shipping dropped dramatically and the world was covered in monorails and rickshaws, however the cost of dragging the continents together sent the world into a depression, but then Steve McQueen reminded everyone that it was done by slaves, so then the economy boomed again.  The year was now 1437 and no one had any gold.  So they sent some people and they got some but not until the year 1200, thanks to Doc’s Time machine which fucked up history.   

When television was invented by a blind firefighter during the holocaust the world changed with the show Welcome Back Kotter, everyone loved it so much that they made the Sweat Hogs the new coalition leaders, and put the other 4 to death by monkey rape and pen stabbing.  When Charlize Theron was born half the population was wiped out because of boner explosions this came to be known as the Theron plague which also revamped Cable and the Silk route.  Some priests were cleaning up after a hurricane and found a black hole, one of them jumped in, and a frat boy jumped out.  They later learned it was a prank, and that Sigma Kappa Theta, had created the black hole to score with chicks.  After Look Who’s Talking Vinny Barberino was exiled into Forgotten Land where George C. Scott as Patton, Simon Birch and Ivan the Terrible were rulers.  Forgotten Land had been created by Jesus’ Aunt in 347 when Jesus demanded a bigger play area, it is an island 59 miles off the coast of Waterworld.  The biggest war came between the orcs and the elves/human one of the biggest battles was at helm…wait nevermind.   

When the aliens came after the coke fad of the 80’s, are only defense was the huge robots.  They had won previous wars against cave men, popes, futuristic soldiers, and children that ran at 60 miles per hour, so they were a little harder to hit.  And don’t forget the minutemen with anti aircraft capabilities needless to say the giant robots won which will happen I don’t know why.  Man a lot of wars, I just hope there is never war against grizzly bears, or raptors, that would be scary, because physiologically, I have no idea what is going on, what if they were combined somehow.  Anyway, a mad scientist created the French in a laboratory using the hair from a werewolf.  The french quickly grew in population due to the fact that gestation was only 2 days and they could have up 89 offspring in a single sitting.  To counter this the coalition of Waterworld released a virus that made people’s anus’ swell up so you couldn’t poop anymore.  (The “virus” was actually just 100 dumbass frat guys that would go around looking for french and would superglue their ass cheecks together in drunken high fives.)  Then after the great war of the Pink heads, and the fucking plants, God gave up and quit.  He said he would give the universe to Rollie Fingers after winning the world series.  With Fingers at the helm he had a grand vision of a diplomatic economic plan for the world, except Hitler, being his bitch slave did not like and rose up against the ranks and killed him.   

I know a lot of people are asking when was the great battle between Europe and Journey that happened in 1653, it ended up freeing the Jews from Egypt, even though no one won the battle.  Steve Perry had pissed on Europe's flag that was hanging on a bus.  Oh yeah, Captain Crunch.  Then one of the guys from Europe took a cinder block and threw it on the Steve’s back as hard as he could, and thus the battle was started, it lasted for at least 5 years.  And after the Jews were freed, Steve visited kids in the hospital.  But in 1709 Zeus came down from his gay cloud and called Ronald McDonald a douche bag, and thus began the greatest war the universe had ever seen.  When King George survived the crash of the Titanic in 1987 he was found having a Barbeque in Lima, Peru, thousands of miles away a month later, not recalling any of it.  The Landing on Pluto created such a rush for pictures of the Cyclops, that Leonard Smawlton became the richest man in the universe as a result of him owning the rights to him.  Leonard Nemoy came out of crater and asked for more Tater Tots, so that is where he had been all these years, he wasn’t dead.   

Because time travel was invented on the trip to Pluto the voyage arrived back on Earth three weeks before it took off.  With the help of a baboon named Larry Anderson, Fatmotif and his crew sailed to Japan to bring the invention of Guisha and Sony.  Japan loved it so much they declared that Gung Ho is the best movie ever.  They then used the profits from these two sectors to increase their capitol, build their economy, and make Japanese TV where babies have to play dodgeball.  A wizard wanted his son to win the science fair, so he created our world out of parsnips, and lemon zest, then he screamed Balzac, and we were here.  If the Huns would have never have invaded Poland in the 1970’s, then Nuclear War would not exist. The leader of the huns, General Custard therefore stood trial before the intergalactic council made up of Spock, 3 of his clones, a dinosaur, monald muck, and the dude your getting a dell dude.  The council was deadlocked, the dinosaur needed to make his mind, he ate the others and then decided to destroy the world in 2019, which was yesteryear, and now it is done.

The End