Early Sunday morning Hazel McCurthy was apprehended by local officials after she attacked Andy Grifith, of Matlock fame, in his Bel-Air estate. Most reports indicate that around 5 AM Andy heard his security alarm go off. But before he could reach for his teeth and glasses Ms. McCurthy restrained Mr. Grifith using some kind of hand woven scarf. She then began to force Viagra down Andy’s mouth and massaged his testicles as he became erect. Fortunately police responded swiftly to the alarm before the situation escalated. Mr. Grifith claimed when she heard the police sirens in the distance she became erratic and sweated profusely. She then tried to flee the area by walking as fast as possible holding herself up against the wall and breathing heavily.
“These perpetrators are always hard to catch because they wake up so damn early, she probably could have killed him before we even started breakfast” said Lt. Danielson who was one of the first to arrive on the scene, “we were lucky she hadn’t brought her lark, or she might have gotten away.” The five police officers spent over an hour trying to apprehend her. “She wouldn’t go down without a fight”, claimed one of the officers “it was the most brutal bitches we’ve ever seen, please excuse my language. It took three of our men” Another officer reported, “we tasered her a couple times but she just kept coming, finally we had to take out the sticks, that was of course after Schmidt but a bullet in her knee cap. I don’t care how bad her arthritis is, she was going to kill us.” One officer suffered a broken arm, and another a mild concussion. “All our lives we are taught to celebrate that generation, but most of them are just a time bomb of fury ready to go off. Pounds of pills, decades of pent of rage, remorse for younger people, all that time cooped up in a nursing home, its just a matter of when not if” said Sgt. Greg Tamber who suffered a bruised sternum during the attack.
When police searched her home after the incident they found a most disturbing scene. Graphic pictures lined the walls of her one bedroom assisted living area. There were pictures of her giving it hard to Mr. Matlock. The pictures involved straps, whips, dog collars, and gelatin substances. She also had love letters written to the star, that she never sent, many of which describing the pictures that she drew. “I’ll soak you in a bath filled with apple sauce then shave you head to toe, licking every square inch taking away your delicious hair,” read one of the letters. “This is beyond obsession here, this is…”
To many she could have been a sweet old lady who was always good for a twenty or one could always hit up if they were selling something. But sadly, this wasn’t Hazel’s first attack. In 2001, Jerry Van Dyke had visited her retirement community in one of his whirl wind tours promoting Big Lots stores. When Jerry was in his dressing room, Hazel came out of a closet naked, covered in apple sauce and started grinding on him. “We believe this just encouraged the Matlock incident because Mr. Van Dyke dated her for a couple months after, but left her for another woman” said Dr. Slate after examining her.
Some doctors blame her episodic-psychotic behavior on her recent increase in medications. She averaged several pills of varying prescriptions daily which were easily obtainable through Medicare programs. Dr. Slate believes it was combination of that and the fact when she spent that much time with a person through the TV you begin, she started to live her life vicariously as if she actually was with that person. “The old age didn’t help either” he commented.
Andy Griffith was a self made man who struck lightning twice with TV show hits such as The Andy Griffith Show, and the courtroom drama Matlock. He has had schools, days, and towns named after him which catapulted his success to world wide fame. But with fame comes this kind sick and demented fan.
When it was all done, Andy was a complete gentleman about the whole situation. “I just hope she gets the kind of help she needs, and I’ll do whatever I can to make sure she gets better” said Mr. Grifith. ”I’ve had this happen to me so many times, I’m really used it to it now. The love letters are common, stalkers, and of course the naked pictures. It may be weird at times but I adore all my fans because I wouldn’t be here today without them. Sometimes I blame myself for writing that much sex appeal into my shows.” The officers commended Mr. Grifith on his noble behavior or the situation but attribute it as the “Viagra talking.”
Lt. Danielson commented “She’ll be doing some hard time at St. Augustine Core women’s penitentiary. She’ll be put away for a long, long time, but I’m sure she’ll be able to watch TV in there.”
No comments:
Post a Comment