Body of Eeyore Found in Hotel Bath Tub

Las Vegas – The body of Eeyore, long time resident of 100 acre forest and beloved children’s character, was discovered early Tuesday morning dead in a hotel room in Las Vegas from an apparent gun shot wound to the head.  Friends of the donkey were stunned of the news.  “I always saw it coming but I’d never though he would actually go through with it, being depressed was part of his MO” said Winnie the Pooh who rose to fame with Eeyore.

Citizens of the 100 acre forest claimed Eeyore would go on and on about how one of these days we’d be sorry he was gone.  “He was just kind of one of those depressed people that would go on and on about how worthless his life was but he never did anything about it.  It was more to balance with other characters such as the optimist Pooh” said Owl, a resident who lived in a nearby tree. 

But the warning signs were all there:  He had feelings of worthlessness, guilt, lost interest in usual activities, diminished sexual drive. Kanga, Eeyore’s ex-wife suggested it might have something to do with her after she left him for Rabbit.  We had one big fight before he left; he told me Roo wasn’t his responsibility.  I know I should have said something when he told me he had bought a gun and only one bullet” said Kanga.

Paramedic Mitch Fogbank was called onto the scene when a hotel neighbor heard a gun shot. "It's a tragedy," Fogbank said. "He was a talented jack ass who had lots of people and animals who cared for him.  I loved him when I was kid.  I guess he just needed to hear it more often.”  Toxicology reports showed a blood alcohol level of 0.36 percent. That exceeds the 0.08 percent level at which most states consider a person too impaired to drive. When Eeyore had lived in the 100 acre forest, he frequented various social gatherings, and he will always be remembered for providing helpful services if someone were to get trapped in a hole trying to get honey.

Today's New York Post reported that Eeyore spent the last hours of his life partying with a prostitute in her motel room and drinking heavily Saturday evening. He had been due in court on Monday to submit a progress report on his "drug diversion" treatment following a December conviction for crack possession.  Most people attribute his addictions to a coked up tiger that also resides in the forest but he was not able to be reached for questioning.

The suicide note was laced with owner Christopher Robbins name, about how Chris was always going to grow older, and how he never would.  “No one wants to grow older, but I guess what could be worse is seeing those around you growing older and yet yourself remains as it always was, never changing” read a quote from the letter.  We think he was listening to a lot of Donovan and INXS before he killed himself. 

All I have to say is that it’s a damn shame, but oh well life goes on.  I’m sure that’s the way he would have wanted, at least we can speculate.  He probably wouldn’t have wanted us to care.