Doppel-danger

I saw my doppleganger the other day, man that really fucked with my mind. I wonder if he was thinking the same thing “I must KILL him, before anyone ever finds out” I hope he wasn’t, it would suck to die, especially by the hands of your own self

My Greatest Battle in the Minds of Men, and the mind of this man

I had just finished a massive carrier battle like midway. I gave the comp more forces then me and, and I had three carriers they had 5. I had 2 battle ships they 5 and so on but even with more ships if you use stratergy you can easily beat them. For eksample the comp will send their entire escort fleet in 2 get in gun range I was able to stop 3 of 5 of the battle ships but the other 2 along with cruisers and destroyers broke threw my air net which meant that my 2 battle ships 4 crusers and 11 destroyers would now have to stop 2 battle ships 8 cruisers and 19 destroyers and one of the surviving battle ships was the Yamoto class (the largest fucking battle ship ever built). It seemed hopeless and there 5 carriers were undamedged I braced myself for the slaughter but I would not give up so easily I threw everything at the Yamoto and they and they managed to stop them but they could not keep them at bay 4 long but... I sent all the aircraft on that island to attack their carriers the zero fighters were all gone fighting and devestting my p 47s which left there carriers defenseless ha ha they sank within 2 minutes by this time the Japanesey battle ships had sank or severley damaged my escort ships all though they took one battle ship not the yamoto unfortunately and 2 cruisers with them along with a few destroyers my carriers were sitting ducks but with no carriers to return to the zeros soon crashed giving my planes air supremucy and the japenese ships were about 50 seconds from gun range but then it turned into a turkey shoot my planes sank the yamoto but they got one of my carriers before they left me the area oh and they also tryed to invade midway but thanks to the heavy artillery they failed which reminds me of the bloody battle of Iwo Jima it took me 4 hours to crush resistance on that island it was a bloody battle I mean I bombarded that island for 50 mins (a lot in the game) when I landed my forces on the beach the first time a counter attack pushed them right back out but with carrier air support the next beach head held out but still oppossistion was fierce and I had alot of tanks landed near the end of the battle with nearly I’d say 75 percent of my infantry wiped out but still I was able to secure the island or a massive tank battle with 42 shermans vs 11 tigers the tigers can win easily but then all u have to do is launch a feint attack against one of there flanks then those tigers can be deafeated with a holding motion until close air support can arrive and destroy them and there supporting infantry will have no armored suport and they can be wiped out in a timley fashion by drawing them out with snipers then bleeding them white against intrenched infantry or a samuri battle on an open plain this wich is also fun because u can totally encircle an enemy force like tieing a shoelace games is filled with battles like that and its a great value although some of the battles with cave men are not fun i mean come on cavemen oh u can also have a battle to see what would have happened if the soveits had attacked the americans during the cold war I was the americans and was being pushed back by alot of soviet tanks and troops until my b 52 bomber was called in to nuke there army wich i managed to barely out flank and form into a pocket thanks to the abrams tank ha ha but the t74s were going to break out soon along with alot of soveit infantry but the b52 droped a nuke and there ofensive stoped they retreated to some ridge but I was now the winner of the battle and with a classic hammer and anvil movement they were crushed and before I start to ramble about the massive b17 along with fighter escort missions u can have I’m going to leave oh and u can also use the map creater to have wacky missions like Roman cohorts against samuri or snipers against cave men wich is very funny one more thing if u have 600 cave men against 75 samuri the samuri will win well I’m going now! but so much battles to talk about! but I most go I have no choice because I’m going to bomb berlin back into the stone age with 200+ b17s against the germans. My forces were nearly cut, then send ground forces in like rolling thunder its been a long campaign in half at the battle of the buldge but now the very heart of the 3rd Rike is within my grasp after the bombing ill win 4 sure well got to go, later guys.

Update on Race: Mongolia

Lead after Check point = the Hippie

They are currently in Mongolia, the hills are really slowing them down today. The asshole has a definite advantage there because his whole life has been an allegory of down hill, but he is still trailing by a good four and half miles which isn’t bad considering they have gone almost 12,098 miles. I think what’s slowing the asshole down mostly is that in each village he keeps asking where the Geisha are, and then swearing in French.

Grizzly Adams

To dress like Grizzly Adams is to be respected like Grizzly Adams but it in no way implies that you fuck like him.

Livin'

Maybe that’s the problem that I’m just trying to rush everything, and I’m not taking everything for how it is and how it should be. Just one second at a time is all I need, I just need to slow everything down and take it easy, relax and kick back the old school way. When the days seemed so long, and felt like I could do anything and it never seemed so hard. At least from what I can remember. Yeah right, and maybe my families weren’t alcoholics because of the disease but they realized they were better people when they were drunk, not necessarily when they were a drunkard and there is a difference.

We Bought a Zoo (Recut)

Regrets as a Child

 When I was a kid I never slept.  Perhaps that is why I will die an early death all those episodes of Dobbie Gilles stuck in my head from Nick at Nite at 2:30 in the FUCKING MORNING.  That is probably why I was short and fat in my youth days.  Later I learned it was because I ate 15 brats a day, with 2 quarts of snizz, and I never did any squats.

Rules of Society

When you are walking down the street and a person is walking towards you, you go to the left, they go to the right, and so on and so on until run into each other and look like people with thumbs up there ass’s, instead whenever you see people walking towards you do a 270, sprint 10 yards fake hump the ground then do a 110 and moonwalk the rest of the way home.

Would You Rather: Have Sex or pee amazingly

Every one of these has been about sex I think, but what can I say, I have a penis.  So it's either have sex normally, or every time you pee it will be like you haven't peed for hours and were holding it in no matter what the situation.  Obviously you really aren't going to give up sex, but peeing after you've been holding it in for 5 hours might be the most amazing feeling in the world.  Not only because it feels good but that you are a survivor.  When did the whole stigma against peeing in your pants come about, I guess pants who have had to have been invented, so at least around that time. 

Sterming the Porn

 The blueprint for Sterming Porn:  The reason we have to use the term sterm is that we are stealing what would normally be rented, hence “Sterm”.  We made our plan using salsas and pickles and even a salt shaker.  Ryne, dressed in drag, would be the driver, Mikey, hung like a mule, would be the cowboy that grabs the porn, Johan would be the preppy tennis player that catches the porn and throws it in the car, Raul, the frenchman, would be the door opener, and Rodrigo, dressed in a one piece leotard, would be distracter two.  We first mapped it out in reality, there was a big pillar we could use to our advantage, and metal detectors we would have to get around but we figured it out.  First Mikey would go in and go straight to the porn in the far right corner, then distracter two, would ask the person working for all these non existant titles like Titanic, and Time’s Man of the Year is a Woman.  Then he would say nevermind could you show me where Lake Placid is, while the lady is going back, Mikey would take the porn from the shelf and take it to the front of the store.  As the lady is bending over to get Lake Placid, Raul would open the door, and I would throw the porn out to preppy ass Johan who would be running, he would catch and then throw in the Ryne’s car going in the opposite direction, and bingo Porn Stermed.

Lilith Fair

I can’t believe there was a time in my life I actually wanted to go to Lilith Fair.  Could you believe the smell?  Menstruation + sweat + man hate doesn’t smell good. 

Offspring

My kid is going to have really short legs, and a really big head. So he can do all this thinking, and walk very slowly down a fast shallow river.

Charles Bronson Haunts My Life

All that I can remember is the stern determined face of one Charles Bronson, AKA Paul Kersey. Because I had fooled around with his daughter, note I did not rape her, I did not kill her, I did not give her drugs or put her in touch with someone who could and those in turned killed her, no I just fooled around with her a little bit, nakes. Nothing would stop this guy. At this one point I was able to hold him down, I needed to do something to him but all I had above me on the shelf was booze and other bottles filled with liquids. I tried to dump as much booze into him as I could, my only hope would be to get him too drunk to care. But get this, the fucking machine said to me “the least you could do is get me a beer”. He actually fucking said that, what the hell. I didn’t know whether to let him up or get him a beer. While I held him down I called one of my friends over and he got a beer from the fridge but the bastard chucked it at Paul’s head as hard as he could. That’s not going to knock him out, that’s going to piss him off even more.

Live Right, Do Right

 What is the right philosophy?  To enjoy everything that is now, because in reality this is all we have.  What is the point of philosophy, if it is never right, yeah it is the most important thing for a person to have or else how do they live their life?  I look back and now and I think my life was so good compared to now.  But I know I was miserable so many times then.  Will I look back to now as the best years of life, only not to consider that they too may have been miserable?  One of the most depressing things is realizing that you will be doing this the rest of your life with no hope that it will ever change and no will to make it.  When will it end?  But I know eventually everything you’ve ever done will be forgotten.

My Fun-eral

If I would die tomorrow I would want everyone to go to a party after my funeral, but I would like to have a closed casket so no one could see where the body was.  While people are at my after party funeral they are gauging themselves on this delectable cracker spread and cake, they can’t believe how delicious it is and neither can I.  At the end of the party, everyone will be given $10, and then told what they just ate was me, happy holidays, no go buy yourselves some therapy.  When everyone leaves I want any leftovers to be put into a DVD case of Charles Angels and sent to Ashton Kutcher telling him how much he sucks. 

Art Doesn't Count

 When I was in the gifted section of the glass in the second grade, which I was only in because I cheated on a math test, we got to work with clay one day, while everyone else did their flash cards, or noun exercises.  Out of my ass I make this perfect duck and everyone loved it.  The teacher couldn't stop going on about it.  This kid I really respected, and I hoped he considered me his friend told me how cool it was.  They even put it out on display in the library.  I am not artistic and in no way did I intend to be, but that day I learned, or maybe it wasn’t that day but yesterday, that you don’t have to be good to be successful at art you just have to be lucky. 

UPDATE ON RACE: The Maldives

   

Lead after Check point =   The Hippie.  This swimming part of the race is really dragging things on.  The asshole won’t take off his backwards hat and tear-a-way pants, while the hippie keeps resting on the buoyes in the middle of the sea because of his inner ear problem.  We’ve sent a couple topless natives out to greet them see if that will pep them up but I doubt it. 

Buddhist Ideas to Ideals

One should be the pupil of everyone all the time.  One should express one’s appreciation of all that is well said.  One should speak of others’ virtues in their absence, and repeat them with pleasure.  Great Good arises from continuous devotion towards the fertile fields that are the Virtuous and our benefactors, and from the application of an antidote in the case of one who suffers.

The discussion of forbearance revolves around the inappropriateness of anger.  Anger alienates one from the very beings whom one has undertaken to save. 

A Bodhisatva who breaks precepts out of desire still holds sentient beings in his embrace, a Bodhisatva who breaks precepts out of hatred forsakes beings altogether.

There is no evil equal to hatred and no spiritual practice equal to forbearance.

One’s mind finds no peace; neither enjoys pleasure or delight, nor goes to sleep, nor feels secure while the dart of hatred is stuck in the heart.

Since what has not arisen does not exist, who would then form the wish to come into existence?  And since it would be occupied with its sphere of action it cannot attempt to cease to exist either.

In this way everything is dependent upon something else.  Even that thing upon which each is dependent is not independent.  Since, like a magical display, phenomena do not initiate activity, at what does one get angry like this?

When one wishes to move or to speak, first one should examine one’s own mind, and then act appropriately and with self-possession.

One should do nothing other than what is either directly or indirectly benefit to living beings, and for the benefit of living beings alone one should dedicate everything to Awakening.  Do not kill, do not take the not given, do not commit sexual misconduct, do not lie, do not ingest intoxicants

The reason harm is bad is because it is caused out of ignorance.  In order to see the four truths, the mind must be clear, and still; in order to be still, the mind must be content; in order to be content the mind must be free from remorse or guilt; in order to be free from guilt, one needs a clear conscience; the bases of clear conscience are generosity and good conduct. 

What would be the purpose for something that already exists?  Seed cause for apple tree, if you have an apple seed does the tree exist, is it a condition for something non existent, if the apple tree exists latently then what do you need the seed for.

The 7 Steps

1. Recognize all beings as having been one’s mother (infinite universe), enemy or friend all were once mother to you.
2. Recollect the kindness that they have shown to one, the kindness that your mother has shown you.
3. cultivate the yearning to repay the kindness, what person do you want to be
4. cultivate loving compassion keep mothers from suffering and keep them happy
5. give birth to great compassion
6. attain the unusual attitude, focus on the other
7. Bodhicitta is the result (but in practice, one inserts the exchange of self and other)

And that is why I should move to China, not to mention that I love Chinese buffet and Asian women and those sexy wrapped up feet. 

Japanese Businessmen

Walking around in their little suits.  Geisha, Wasabi, Alchoholic Tea, is what they are all about.  Machines not men, they sleep in trays they live in cubes.  18 hour work days with 7 hour overtimes a day, bowing.  Sleeping while they work, but still working at full capacity, domo, domo.  Suits, Ties, Glasses, smiles, hand shakes, tears, death….

Big Blue = Big Pussy

 Why was there such a big deal made over that time when the computer blue beat that one guy at chess. Everyone was saying Oh my God, the future is here.  But I don’t get it, I once got my ass reemed by the computer in NBA Live ’97 and no one gave shit about it.

Who's The Boss?

 The poor mans Scott Baio is the Rich mans Tony Danza, think about that.  Who’s the boss?  Charles is in Charge.  If you take David Duchovony and everything he has done it hasn’t even come close to what Keifer Sutherland and Bill Nye have ever done.  Bill Nye is the world’s greatest scientist, not because of what he researched, or thought of, but because he taught the children the ways of the world.  

OccupyWallStreet is going to CAUSE Zombie Apocalypse

What do we always ask ourselves while watching a zombie movie.  How the hell did people get so dumb to be the first infected.  How does is spread if they are slow.  Does it start with one person, or like an airborne virus in the beginning.  Well I can tell you there is a good chance is starts with shit like occupywallstreet.  Ruffians, miscreants, government experience homeless aside,  it's ust a giant mass of people huddled together in one of the most populated dense cities in the world, growing slowly by the week, and more people catch wind and want to go down there to check it out.  It is growing faster than it is shrinking basically. 

One person gets infected then it spreads quickly, soon you got this collection of dozens of people, momoving outward infecting more.  Not to mention police are focusing on these areas across the country, they get infected there goes one of our safety nets.  The thing I've learned the most from the movies is zombies never stop.  They will always find you, they will eventually take over, they will greatly outnumber you and you will eventually die.  That is actually our weakness, we think they are so powerless, they are weaker, slower, disabled mostly, we always undersell them.  Never do that, and you may survive long enough to have sex 4 more times. 

http://www.nbc15.com/home/headlines/Police_Say_Man_Bit_Officer_In_The_Arm_132948613.html  - oh shit

Alien Worm Thing While You Sleep

If you notice something clinging to your ceiling like worms or sloths, it would be best to start running until you puke.

Master the Fart

If someone is ever able to control their farts, by that I mean duration, strength, intensity, loudness, and density, then God help us all. 

Chuck E Cheese Tickets

I can attribute most of my academic success to the report cards for tokens program held at Chuck E Cheese, formerly Showbiz.  Seeing those animatronic animals, pretending the gorilla would eat me though.  But those tickets were the biggest motivation of them all, I have 300 little plastic paratroopers in the shape of Chuck E Cheese. 

Water Wrestling

A new sport for the millenia is Water Wrestling. Two people jump into a ring that is fixated in the center of a giant swimming pool. They go back forth and try to dunk each other, and they can flip each other over, and splash water in the faces. Around the ring are certain weapons like a rope or a taser, pepper spray, and a concocted pepper spray mostly made of Lysol, salt, and bleach, you can use these at your disposal.

I like Mountain Dew

I like it when moms wear those cut off shirts usually with some kind of plaid design and have their hair pulled back, or they wear those overalls with green shirts. I also like oldy time Train stations like the ones the Nazis blew up in France

Interesting Facts

 Although they may not all be real they make one hell of a dinner party conversation. 

ü      Mice can’t vomit

ü      The middle finger originated when English bowmen would flick off the French to gloat their victory.  Because if captured the bowmen would have their middle fingers cut off so they couldn’t pull back their quivers.

ü      Coconuts kill more people that sharks

ü      The Alaskan Crab fisherman is the most dangerous job in America.

ü      It snowed in the Sahara Desert on February 18, 1979.

ü      Pollen never deteriorates

ü      There is more real lemon juice in Lemon Pledge than in Country time Lemonade

ü      Michael Keaton’s real name is Michael Douglas. 

ü      The average chocolate bar has eight insect’s legs in it.

ü      During menstruation, the sensitivity in a woman’s middle finger is reduced.

ü      The three wealthiest people in the world have more assets than the combined forty eight poorest nations.

ü      The water bear kicks ass

ü      The first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II, killed the only elephant in the Berlin zoo. 

ü      In 1998 Sony accidentally sold 700,000 camcorders that had the technology to see through people's clothes

ü      1/3 of funerals in Taiwan include a stripper

ü      China has more English speakers than the United States

ü      There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. 

ü      Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life

ü      The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to space dust

ü      Non-dairy creamer is flammable

ü      Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected through an IV

ü      There are 23 doctors in the US called Dr. Doctor

ü      You can’t create a folder called “con” in Microsoft Windows

ü      Adolf Hitler had only one testicle

ü      90% of women who walk into a department immediately turn right. 

ü      All the swans in England are property of the queen

ü      In Ancient China people committed suicide by eating a pound of salt

ü      The most popular condom in Taiwan is only 4.2 in. long.

ü      Children laugh about 400 times a day, while adults only laugh about 15 times.

ü      No high jumper has ever been able to stay off the ground longer than 1 sec

ü      The world’s heaviest primates are morbidly obese humans, then gorillas at 485lbs.

ü      Jimmy Carter was the first US president to have been born in a hospital.

ü      The word testimony came from ancient Rome where men to take oath would put their hands on their testicles

ü      Wilt Chamberlain never fouled out of a game

ü      Napoleon constructed battle plans in a sand box

The Giant Squid

Before I die I would like to fight a giant squid.  If I do die fighting it who cares it would be fun to try and if I won it would be ten times better.

Dear Companies

Can we please drop the automated messages that play while we are on hold about how our call is important to you.  I know it's not true, you definitely know it's not true otherwise why is it automated, and the person that finally answers on the other end after 20 minutes and is making $8 and hour knows it.  It just insults us and it completely disrupts the flow of the music. Not to mention I know I am on hold you don't have to tell me every 40 seconds that all your available service reps are busy. 

Also in seeing that type of picture above with all sorts of companies, stop that too.  Same rules apply.  Oh you are a person smiling because you are thinking of the company, because that happens all the time to perfect sculpted chicks. 

The Eric Stolz Conundrum

You know all those times where TV shows or movies say that oh yeah you know that popular person wasn’t our first choice in the matter, and they almost didn’t get cast.  People say that as such a tragedy. Why?  Probably because our minds and our lives are so focused on acceptance, and our world not to change, that we would find it devastating if someone else was in the world, even though if that person would have started from the beginning they would be accepted just as much.

World Peace

All guys think that the world problems can be solved by drinking beer and girl on girl action. That if world leaders would get drunk they would be able to resolve their differences, or if everyone was high everyone would be best buds (hey I just got that one).  By watching girl on girl action everyone’s minds would be so preoccupied by the hot lesbo wanging that they would stop fighting.  How ridiculous?  There is no cure for mankind.  And everyone knows that world peace is only achieved through watching people getting kicked in the groin.

Freddie Prinz Jr. Sucks

About 25 years 117 days and 23 hours ago, in the valley of the crater gods, where the 8 planets were in alignment, and the moon casted its shadow on earth during the solar eclipse.  There be born to one woman, a whore, and 5 criminal men, one a rapist, the other a pedaphile, the other a murderer, the other a thief, and the last George Lucas, the devil child, the root of all evil, not by name Damian but by name Freddie Prinze Jr.  His destiny was to engrip Earth with Hell fire, and launch into the eternal damnation.

Earth now needed a symbol of pure goodness, one that could contest the greatness of angels, one that would be able to stand up and defeat the demon that had been casted upon our surface, and it was Macgyver and his sidekick Buckaroo Bonzai.

UPDATE ON RACE: THE KUBAN

Lead after Check point =  Draw. 

They wage a war against the Cossacks but lose horribly, the asshole had half of his scrotum bitten off by a rabid child, and the hippy was just beaten senseless but they didn’t kill him because that is not the Cossack way.  It is worse punishment to beat someone within an inch of their life to let them live so it can happen to them again, probably by the very same people.  The only downfall was that they were kidnapped together because we had to pay one large ransom they wouldn’t release one without the other and we needed our race to take place.  If it was just one of them we would have let him die because that is the way of the race. 

Body of Eeyore Found in Hotel Bath Tub

Las Vegas – The body of Eeyore, long time resident of 100 acre forest and beloved children’s character, was discovered early Tuesday morning dead in a hotel room in Las Vegas from an apparent gun shot wound to the head.  Friends of the donkey were stunned of the news.  “I always saw it coming but I’d never though he would actually go through with it, being depressed was part of his MO” said Winnie the Pooh who rose to fame with Eeyore.

Citizens of the 100 acre forest claimed Eeyore would go on and on about how one of these days we’d be sorry he was gone.  “He was just kind of one of those depressed people that would go on and on about how worthless his life was but he never did anything about it.  It was more to balance with other characters such as the optimist Pooh” said Owl, a resident who lived in a nearby tree. 

But the warning signs were all there:  He had feelings of worthlessness, guilt, lost interest in usual activities, diminished sexual drive. Kanga, Eeyore’s ex-wife suggested it might have something to do with her after she left him for Rabbit.  We had one big fight before he left; he told me Roo wasn’t his responsibility.  I know I should have said something when he told me he had bought a gun and only one bullet” said Kanga.

Paramedic Mitch Fogbank was called onto the scene when a hotel neighbor heard a gun shot. "It's a tragedy," Fogbank said. "He was a talented jack ass who had lots of people and animals who cared for him.  I loved him when I was kid.  I guess he just needed to hear it more often.”  Toxicology reports showed a blood alcohol level of 0.36 percent. That exceeds the 0.08 percent level at which most states consider a person too impaired to drive. When Eeyore had lived in the 100 acre forest, he frequented various social gatherings, and he will always be remembered for providing helpful services if someone were to get trapped in a hole trying to get honey.

Today's New York Post reported that Eeyore spent the last hours of his life partying with a prostitute in her motel room and drinking heavily Saturday evening. He had been due in court on Monday to submit a progress report on his "drug diversion" treatment following a December conviction for crack possession.  Most people attribute his addictions to a coked up tiger that also resides in the forest but he was not able to be reached for questioning.

The suicide note was laced with owner Christopher Robbins name, about how Chris was always going to grow older, and how he never would.  “No one wants to grow older, but I guess what could be worse is seeing those around you growing older and yet yourself remains as it always was, never changing” read a quote from the letter.  We think he was listening to a lot of Donovan and INXS before he killed himself. 

All I have to say is that it’s a damn shame, but oh well life goes on.  I’m sure that’s the way he would have wanted, at least we can speculate.  He probably wouldn’t have wanted us to care. 

Now and Then

All the older generations, they think our generation is fucked up.  That all we think about is sex, and that all we do is sex, yeah so.  Look at the greatest generation, they got home from the war, all they were doing is having sex.  They made the baby boom, there’s always more than one boom.  I bet they were having sex ten times a day, topped off with an anal at night.  Then our parents, getting married in their early 20’s just to have sex, then they have 10 kids, us.  What the hell is going on here?  All our parents and grandparents had much more sex than we ever did, or may ever have.  Ah geez, stupid mental images.

Isn’t it funny that in the 50’s girls had to wear long skirts, and men’s basketball players had to wear short shorts, junk short.  And now, women wear short skirts, whore short, and men wear long shorts, how queer. 

The May Pole Will be Empty Tomorrow

Take a look at that sliver in the sky

From a window that marked the end of a time

A million lights will be seen

Can you chase a mouse if it was a machine?

Jango Fett = Bruce Springsteen

II

Per theorem stated before,  it would mean Bruce Springsteen would have the best life ever as well because Jango Fett = Bruce Springsteen.  He owns so much land.  He married a hot ass red head, who doesn't seem like she gets up in his shit because she honors who he is and what it is okay to be about.  Thunder Road.  Everyone loves him, he rules the world.  If you have a problem with him you have a problem with yourself.  Plus there is still a pretty good chance Samuel L Jackson decapitates Bruce sometime in the future with a light saber.